The Fruit of Motherhood

My oldest child, Will, turned 10 on Sunday.

Ten.

Ten whole years of him, of me as a mom, of more than Kyle and me in the house. Will was born after a difficult labor and after I was whisked away to the operating room. They showed him to me while the doctor stitched, and I couldn't see anything but a blur of tears.

In the recovery room, I moved the blanket back to see his fingers and toes. His legs were skinny. At 10, they still are, and if you look at him from behind, he looks exactly like my dad, who also had a birthday on Sunday. In these 10 years, under those skinny legs, he's grown up tall and strong.

There were days in these 10 years when I didn't know if we'd make it here. There were years when he didn't talk, when I had to tell him to tell me that he loved me and teach him how to hug me. There were years when he couldn't answer a simple question, when there was no curiosity, when there was little hope.

We took his friend with us to celebrate his birthday. His friend. He has a friend.

I watched him from behind as they bowled together. His legs are still skinny but his shoulders are broadening. I feel like he's mine but yet I'm watching him become his own person. Something is happening. He's growing up, yes, but this is the year that I can feel something else happening.

I can feel the fruit of motherhood starting to grow up big and strong.

Because in those years when it was quiet and when hugs were forced and when there was a disconnect between us, I didn't always love motherhood. I loved my son, but I didn't love motherhood. Because parenting a special needs child can feel like working really hard but not having anything to show for it.

It's very humbling.

And so very sweet. I suppose it's just that the sweetness takes a little longer to dig down into. And it's also that, through this little boy, God has altered my idea of what motherhood actually is. Motherhood is not raising a boy to play quarterback or planning elaborate birthday parties. It's not about helping our kids make friends or having them in the "right" circles. It's not about activities or education, although these are important.

No, motherhood is the everyday responses and interactions with our children. Motherhood is a matter of the heart, of mine and of what I'm imparting into my children's hearts.

This boy made me a mother and, by God stripping away everything I thought motherhood meant, taught me how to be a mother.

I feel him growing up under those skinny legs, growing into something I couldn't have begun to imagine on the day I peeked through my tears at him.

And I feel me growing up too, growing into the fruit of motherhood.

It's so sweet.

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Church Planting Wife: What to Expect

As we prepared to parachute plant, my husband read countless church planting books and talked to a few experienced planters to get their perspectives and wisdom. I picked up one or two of his books and even read over his shoulder a few times, but the strategies and how-to's that filled the books didn't seem pertain to me at all. What exactly does the wife of a church planter do? I shrugged my shoulders and plunged into church planting with approximately zero idea of what to expect and a few vague predictions of what this endeavor might mean for me and for our family life.

Wow. I probably should have talked to someone or done something to prepare other than jumping in blindly. Because what happened in the first few years was nothing like what I had imagined or expected. And because it looked so different, I thought I could possibly be the worst church planting wife ever.

To save you perhaps a year or two of confusion and questioning your sanity, I'll do what the church planting books filled with ideas and strategies didn't do for me. I'll tell you what you, the church planting wife, can expect in the first few years. Here goes:

It's going to be hard. Hard work. And discouraging, want-to-give-up hard.
You already know it's going to be hard, but you're thinking it's going to be hard for a little bit and then miracles are going to happen that erase any discomfort or difficulty. This miracle probably won't happen. Instead, it's going to take ongoing, intense hard work for multiple years to get this thing off the ground. This hard work is not reserved for your husband. Your work and responsibility level will be different than your husband's, but church planting will require almost an equal amount of hard work out of you.

There will be times that you will want to give up or get out from under the burden that you're carrying because of how weary or discouraged you are. You may question yourself, your husband, and God. You may wonder if you will ever see fruit from your efforts.

And these are all good things, part of the process of sifting you and crafting you into the minister that God wants you to be. If God has called you to this work, He is calling you into a process of refinement that is both difficult and sweet. Expect it and embrace it.

You're going to have a paradigm shift.

The end result of God's sifting through the difficulty of church planting is a paradigm shift. You can expect that God will give you new eyes for people, toward your own heart, and, especially toward Him. You will learn that, just as John 15 says, you truly cannot do anything apart from Christ in you. You will learn to depend on the Lord in a way that you have never been challenged to before. You may realize that your faith has never been truly tested until this point. 

At some point, you will recognize that Christ and His gospel are the only things keeping you in the process, working hard, striking up one more conversation, and having one more family over. And you will recognize the infinite worth of Who you've given your life to and Who you're working for. 

This is both difficult and sweet. Expect it and embrace it.

You're going to face spiritual warfare.
Spiritual warfare is real and you will face it in church planting, although you may not recognize it when it comes. It probably won't be a community leader or an unbelieving neighbor shouting at you in the street or picketing your church, although I guess you can't rule anything out. The spiritual warfare you'll face will primarily be with your own flesh and it will primarily affect your marriage. You'll face deep discouragement together and the enemy will try turning you against one another through resentment, anger, blame, blurred boundaries between ministry and marriage, or just plain exhaustion.

Be on guard for spiritual warfare; look for where it comes. The sooner you learn to recognize how the enemy attempts to drive a wedge between you and God and you and your husband, the sooner you can call a spade a spade and flee from the lies into the truth.

This is not something to fear, just something to recognize and see it as something that drives you into the powerful arms of your Savior. This is both difficult and sweet. Expect it and embrace it.

You're going to be called upon to do a variety of things, things that you may or may not want to do or be gifted for.
You are starting a church. There isn't a secretary, a children's minister, a janitor, or, if you're like us, there isn't even a building. There are lots of needs and jobs to go around, but few hands to fill them. Expect to be asked to fill a few roles that you don't love and don't necessarily want to do. Prepare yourself for this because you want to do these joyfully until you can hand them off or delegate them to someone else, which you should do as soon as possible.

This is both difficult and sweet. Expect it and embrace it.

You will know God in a new way.
There is so much you will learn by stepping out in faith, but the best thing you will learn is that God is faithful and capable of doing supernatural work that you yourself cannot do.

This is sweet. Expect it and enjoy it.

Experienced church planting wives, what else can a new church planting wife expect?

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More Alike Than Different (Stop Making Excuses)

As a pastor's wife, I get to interact with a variety of people from a variety of backgrounds and in a variety of life stages. Because of this, I'm learning a lot about people. And this is what I'm seeing: Most people think they're different from other people, that they are the only ones who have experienced a certain life situation or the only ones who struggle with a specific sin. 

And it seems to me that people who think they are more different from others than alike attribute their differences to circumstances, and they use these circumstances as excuses.

Those people are connected because they live in that certain place. 
That person is ________ so she wouldn't understand why I am _________.
That person has so many friends because her husband is more social than mine. 
If I went to that church that provides more programs and opportunities, I'd have community. 
My work hours prevent me from serving or being in relationships. 
I couldn't hang out with that single person because I have kids.

It's like life just happens to them. Or they're waiting for someone to make their dreams come true.

But here's what I'm also seeing: No matter where they come from or what they do, people have more things in common than they have differences. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to belong. Everyone has hard things to deal with. Everyone wants to matter.

And the people who choose to find commonalities and choose to direct their lives recognize that there is plenty of community and love to be had no matter what their circumstances are. That they can't use circumstances as excuses.

I'm making mental notes here because, in the process of observing other people, I'm learning a whole bunch of things about myself. I'm realizing that if I'm feeling a certain way there are probably lots of other women who feel the same. I'm realizing that the things I struggle with are probably the struggles of tons of other women. The connection that I want is what the women around me want, so why not go for it?

The excuses I make when I am a victim of my circumstances are just that--excuses. I don't have to walk around like I'm alone and unloved because the truth is that I'm not. I can boss my life around and be purposeful about creating community and friendship and health and rest and opportunities for receiving and giving grace. Because when it comes down to it, I can choose to create for myself what I most want.

Questions for you: Do you choose your life or do you just let it happen to you? What are you making excuses for?

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In Her Shoes: Single Women

Ministry life is rewarding yet difficult. However, the longer I live, I recognize that everyone is walking a hard road in some way, and they simply want to be known, listened to, and understood. As we relate to women in our churches, the best thing we can do is ask questions, listen, and try to put ourselves in their shoes. 

In order to help us with this, I invite women in different life circumstances to share on the blog in an occasional series I call "In Her Shoes".  Today, I've asked one of my dearest friends, Marylyn, to share. Marylyn is in grad school, studying to become an occupational therapist. She is a faithful leader in our church, having served in numerous capacities, including children's ministry coordinator and prayer ministry team leader. I asked her to help us understand what life is like for her as a single woman in the church. I invite you to read and listen with a heart to minister to women in her same position.

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As a person who is single in the church, there are many things that bring me great joy. I have an abundance of time that allows me to invest in the lives of many different children and families. I love that I have an impact on the lives of a bunch of kids through our children’s ministry and through loving on the moms in our church well. I love that I have opportunities to babysit and encourage married friends to have date nights, which allows me to get life giving time with kids while also serving my friends. I love that I have freedom. I can go overseas for a summer. I can invest money in grad school. I can go on spontaneous road trips. I can make decisions without asking for permission or getting a babysitter or planning weeks in advance. I have an abundance of time that God can use for his kingdom.

That's my sweet friend, Marylyn, in the turquoise sweater, greeting people at our church.

However, I would be lying to you if I said that being a single in the church is not without its challenges. On average, it definitely feels like Christians marry at an earlier age, and since I went to a college in the south, the vast majority of my friends are married. Because singleness is currently my deepest source of pain, Sundays mornings are often times where I feel the most lonely. I always sit by myself on Sunday mornings. Church is often a place where all I see are couples holding hands and babies being rocked, where all I see is what others have and what I long for.

People often ask me how they can encourage me, and so here are some things that I have found helpful and not helpful. However, I would also encourage you to ask the singles that you know what is and is not helpful for them, because every single person is different and most likely they have unique things that are encouraging and discouraging to them.

Pray for your single friends. I pray often that God would grant my desire for a spouse, and it is so encouraging to hear that friends pray for me to remain content and live well in singleness, as well as for a spouse. I don’t take for granted having people who pray for me because often I feel alone and isolated.

Invite your single friends over to spend time with you and your kids…and also with you by yourself. I love getting to know families and being apart of their life as a family, but I also know that if their kids are there, we both are only going to be able to pay 50% of attention to our conversation and the other 50% will be interrupted. My best relationships with moms involve time with their whole family and time with just them.

Ask how they are doing with singleness….but not too often. There is this balance of the topic not being totally off limits but also not wanting it to be the only thing you ever talk about it. So ask about it, but not all the time.

Don’t say “I understand what you’re going through,” if you don’t. If you met your husband and married your husband soon after college like many Christian women, you don’t understand what it is like to be single 5/10/15 years after you graduate. You don’t know what it’s like to have not dated or kissed a man in years. When one of my closest friends had a miscarriage, I never pretended to understand what she was going through; I just cried with her. Sometimes rather than hearing a pat answer, it is more encouraging to hear, "I can only imagine how hard that must be."

Don’t act like God for sure will give me a husband because He might not. A spouse is not a promise that God gives in the Bible. God may choose to fulfill my desires in a different way, and I want to be ready and accepting of that. When you say it is a guarantee that God will give me a husband, this just affirms a lie that I already struggle not to believe.

To set up or to not set up on dates. That’s such a tough question…and to be honest, my answer has changed over the years. Right out of college, my fear was that my pastor and his wife would set me up with any eligible Christian fellow that came to the church (Thankfully, they did not do that). I was not in a place where I wanted other people seeking out marriage material for me. However, now that I do not have much interaction with the opposite sex (my profession is 97% female), I value people who have connections to other people and thoughtfully consider whether or not to introduce me.

I love the thought behind this series because it highlights that even though we all have unique callings as a ministry wife or a doctor’s wife or a single woman, much of our experience is the same. We all feel lonely and misunderstood sometimes. We all long for deep friendships. We all rejoice in our callings some days, feeling a great sense of purpose and hope. We all have days where we resent the life that God has given us and struggle not to compare what God has given everyone else around us. What a blessing it is that we get to live in community with one another, encouraging each other to turn to our Father, the source of our purpose, hope and joy in our unique calling.

Isn't she great? I love her. If you are single, how do you relate with what Marylyn shared? Is there anything you'd want the rest of us to know? Married women, what questions do you have about serving single women in the church?

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Removing Parameters on Church Planting

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went with some prospective church planters to tour D.C., which is about two hours north of where we live. We heard about how many people live within the District (700,000) and how many evangelical churches are actively reaching those people (a few). We learned the many obstacles that church plants face in the District, such as the cost of living and few logistically-good places to meet, but also about the pastors and planters that are laboring faithfully there in the name of Christ. To sum our trip up: the harvest is great but the workers are few.

I recently talked to a pastor's wife whose husband is considering church planting. She's willing as long as they stay in close proximity to where they currently live. They live in a place where there are tons of gospel-preaching churches and where almost every school has a church meeting there. I know the company line--just because there are already churches doesn't mean there isn't a need for more--but I genuinely wonder sometimes why God would call people to saturate one area but leave another alone.

I don't pretend to know how God moves, and I also know where she's coming from. When we were preparing to church plant, my husband and I tried to think of every possible way we could stay near our families. But when we were honest with ourselves, we knew we felt scared to leave the only culture we'd known and become outsiders, and we also knew that fear couldn't be our compass in choosing a location. We knew it would be easier (if you can call church planting easy in any place) if we kept the parameter of comfort around our willingness to church plant, but that we had to hold our hands open.

I carefully broached the subject with her, imploring her to think of the great needs in areas even within the States that are almost completely unreached. Don't discount these places because you're scared, I said. Don't automatically focus on what you know already, I said. You, of course, have to go where God leads you, I said, but please promise me you'll pray about going somewhere you never thought you'd go. Hold your hands open.

I almost want to encourage prospective church planters to seek places outside their comfort zones. Why? Because I know what it's like to go somewhere uncomfortable and to find out how incredibly faithful God is! I know what it's like to jump out of a plane without a parachute and be caught by the hand of God. I know what it's like to live in a place where the harvest is great and the workers are few and see the harvest start to come in. It's incredible, simply incredible.

In our first few years here, I said to anyone that would listen, "We will never do this again! It's too hard." Now, I'm not so sure. Now, I see places like D.C. and recognize the great needs in our own backyard. Now, too, I know the faithfulness of God. My hands are open.

My point is this: If you are considering church planting, I encourage (urge) you to take off any parameters you've put on your surrender to God. Taking off the parameters will, I promise, open you up to experience the extreme faithfulness of God.

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A Bad Sunday Morning

This morning--a Sunday--was one of those mornings. I saw it coming Saturday night, so I went to bed at a decent hour as preventative medicine. My first thought when I woke, however, was, "It's Sunday morning," and I turned over and tried to go back to sleep out of defiance. Despite my best efforts to still my whirring brain by pulling the covers over my head, I couldn't sleep. And I also knew I couldn't magically skip to Monday morning--I would have to face the day.

I went straight to the coffeepot and then, coffee in hand, stared at the cover of my Bible for a long while. I finally cracked it open, read a few pages, and furiously penned prayers in my journal. Like a seesaw, each sentence moved from surrender to defiance to surrender to defiance again. I just don't have what it takes for today, Lord. I don't have the strength to get my kids ready and go to church without help today. I don't want to be a pastor's wife today because everyone will expect pastor's wife things from me today. Can I please go back to bed? 

Eventually I got it a little more worked out with Him and sincerely offered myself to be used at church however He saw fit.

After breakfast, I got on Facebook and someone had posted something about pastors and I immediately went back to the beginning, like nothing had been worked out at all. I ranted in my head, surprising myself at how vitriolic I could be against someone I didn't know. Lord, I'm in a desperate place, obviously fueled by hormones. I'm just tired of everyone expecting so much, wanting so much. Or maybe it's just me expecting stuff of myself. Help me do this day well, which at this point means getting through it without snapping at people.

I resolved to just make it through what I needed to make it through. Often on these days, I try to hide by holding babies in the kids' ministry or cleaning up stuff so I don't really have to have conversations of any significance, but the Lord didn't allow that. He wanted me front and center in the service.

With my defiant, stubborn little heart, I went through the motions, but I chose to pity myself at how I am forced to serve, forced into a role that, on days like the one I was having, I don't want, thank you very much. And I looked around and thought that if people knew what I was thinking and how horrible my heart is, they would finally have evidence of what a bad pastor's wife I am.

That's when the Lord came gently, speaking to me about things that were different than what was going on in the service. You see there, Christine? You see how you're focused on what you do? You see how you think spiritual transformation is up to you?

Yes, I could see it. In fact, it's the story of my life that keeps morphing and infecting everything if I'm not vigilant to guard against it. I slip into defining myself based on my accomplishments or my performance rather than based on the grace of Christ. As a pastor's wife, it means I slip into evaluating my own performance based on the number and quality of conversations, connections, and acts of service. If I feel things are going well, then I am doing well. But I know this is dead religion; I know it's just me playing a role.

You're doing it again, Christine. You're attempting to work at something that I haven't asked you to work at. You're dictating to Me how I am honored. I don't want your obligatory service. I want you. I want to give you grace. I want you to stop thinking about what you do and simply receive My love. That's why I wanted you here today.

I realized that my defiant heart simply revealed my reluctance to admit weakness, that I actually couldn't pull myself up by my Pastor's Wife bootstraps to make myself feel better or make an impact on others. I realized that God wasn't exasperated by my weakness and failure. I realized the extent and power of His grace.

And I relaxed into the beautiful surrender of faith.

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Do you have Sunday mornings like that sometimes? Or am I the only one? 

A passage that the Lord reminded me of is a passage that I'm committing to memory because I need it that bad. Perhaps it will speak to you, too?

Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?...Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you, does He do it by the works of the law or by the hearing of faith? (Galatians 3:2-4)

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Leaving Too Much Behind

When I sit down face-to-face with a more seasoned pastor's wife or more experienced mother, I don't often ask her for ideas on what more I can do or what else I could add to my plate. The truth is that my plate cannot contain what is already there and everything piled on top of it is running together into one glob of busy. I err on the side of doing, or more accurately on the side of doing too much, so I certainly don't need more.

Because I err on the doing side and because I have the terrible disease of perfectionism, it's taken me a while (and many conversations with seasoned pastor's wives) to learn to recognize when I am entering the danger zone of Too Much. There should be an app for that--an app that trips an alarm when the physical, emotional, and spiritual limits are strained and about to burst--similar to the Code Red app my husband has on his phone. App or no app, I've learned that when I am severely lacking joy, when I don't want to talk to another person, when I'm daydreaming of laying on a beach somewhere, or when I'm simply going through the motions just trying to survive until bedtime, I've entered into Too Much. 

In ministry, it's fairly easy to arrive at Too Much. And it appears equally as difficult to leave. However, I've discovered that my life, my family, my ministry, and my relationship with God depend on my ability to leave Too Much and stay within healthy emotional and physical boundaries.

Here's what I'm still very much learning about how to do that:

I acknowledge that I am not God by resting.

Most of the time, my struggle to leave Too Much stems from guilt-- feeling guilty about saying no, feeling guilty about making time to rest, and feeling guilty when I'm actually resting because I tell myself I should be doing something else. However, I am a finite person and the Lord has given rest not only as a command but a gift, a way of acknowledging that we need. It's an act of dependence. And it's an act of trust: Lord, I am not responsible for everything and everyone, but You are. In my rest, I trust that you are still working. 

I must rest well.

Reading People magazine at Barnes & Noble is fun, keeps me updated on the oh-so-important Hollyweird world, and shuts off my brain for a bit, but it does nothing for my soul. But when I spend time with my husband or a friend, when I write, when I read good books, or when I play softball, I feel like my soul is singing sunshine. These activities aren't necessarily spiritual activities, although some actually feel like an act of worship, but they often lead me to enjoy God. 

I have to plan rest.

Soul rest doesn't happen by accident. I have to first know what stirs my affections for Christ. Then I have to choose these things on purpose, which means I must make time for them by planning ahead, which also means I have to say no to mostly good things in order that I can feed my own soul. 

There is joy in margin.

Sabbath rest never fails to lead me right back to doing but it keeps me from arriving at Too Much. Instead, rest helps me delight in where I am and what I'm doing. It feeds my joy.

In ministry, you can be as busy and overextended as you want. No one will guard your soul from Too Much except you. How are you doing in this area? What have you learned about rest that you could share with us all? 

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The One Thing to Know in Ministry

If I could sit with you for just a few short minutes and give you words of wisdom that could sustain a lifetime of ministry, I might try to cram in what I've learned about criticism or how to approach Sunday mornings or what you need to know about making friends, but really it all boils down to one thing: You are loved by God.

Know and remember and meditate on the fact that you are wildly loved by God. This will keep your eyes up rather than looking side-to-side for what others are doing or saying. Dress yourself in His love, tend to your wounds with it, look to His love for your approval and rightness, let His love do the compelling work that it does to fling us into the world with His grace and compassion spilling out from what you've received.

Know that you are a daughter sitting with Christ at God's table, not an orphan on the outside looking in, hoping to belong. You belong, you are welcome, and you carry the family name. Let His love fall over you, let it satisfy you, let it sustain you when you are full and also when you are lonely, downtrodden, and ready to cash in the chips. Because He can, and He will.

Rest in the idea that you are loved simply because of what Christ has done for you. Receive that gift graciously without trying to make up for the gift or prove you were worth it. Be a good gift-getter: enjoy His love, say thank you, and express your gratefulness for it by living joyfully and freely in what He's given you. Make it your goal to continue to know His gift toward you.

I could tell you about strategies and steps and spiritual gifts, roles and rhythms and relationships, but it's much simpler than that. You want to be fruitful, do you? You want to be a good ministry wife, yes? There is, at the very foundation of ministry, only one thing you need to know: love. Receive God's and let it compel you to love others.

For the entire law is fulfilled in this one word, even in this: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Galatians 5:14

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Criticism in Ministry

Criticism happens, and it happens to everyone: wait staff, airline folks, retailers, CEOs, and moms whose kids are having one of "those" days in front of others. Although criticism happens to everyone, it varies in content and scope according to the roles we play. For the ministry wife, whether it is constructive or a hurtful aside, criticism is always personal because it is directed toward her husband, her children, or her own choices. Although many don't understand this, criticism is also personal for us when it is directed toward the church because we care about the church as if it were an additional child. Criticism, therefore, is one of the most difficult aspects of ministry that each one of us face.

Because it is personal, I've come to believe that how we deal with criticism in ministry is vitally important. When we respond to criticism with unforgiveness and anger, we grow to despise the ministry and the people God has given us to love. There is another common response to criticism in ministry and it's this: we shrink back. We allow the fear of future criticism to keep us from doing what God has called us to do, not just as a ministry wife, but as a member of the Body. I know all about these responses, and I also know all about where it leads. 

But we don't have to respond this way. We can respond biblically and healthily to criticism. It's taken me a while to figure this all out. Let's be honest, I'm still figuring it out, but I have learned a thing or two along the way. Here are my tips of the trade:

Be able to distinguish what are the "wounds of a friend"and what are not.

There is such a thing as good criticism. This kind of criticism comes from safe people through appropriate channels and is meant to lovingly help us grow. We can only discern the wounds of a friend if we listen without immediately getting defensive and then listen for the Holy Spirit's confirmation that this is, in fact, meant for our edification. We won't go wrong if we take a learner's perspective rather than a defensive posture.

Take the criticism to the Lord.

There are many types of criticisms that aren't constructive: people speaking from personal preference, sharing veiled criticisms that attempt to mask their disappointments, aiming at our husbands through us, or speaking from their own wounds. No matter the criticism, in order to not dwell on it or fuel bitterness, I have to take it all to the Lord and ask for His perspective. Am I doing what He has asked me to do? Am I being faithful in that? Is there truth to anything that was said? Is there some perspective He could give me on the person that might change my anger to compassion? 

Set good boundaries.

We have to teach people how to handle their frustrations and disagreements with us, our husbands, or our churches. For example, if someone is asking me questions about my husband's decision or even about what is going on within the church, I immediately feel the need to defend him. But instead of taking on that role, I say, "I don't know the details about that, but you can go to Kyle and ask him. He'd be happy to talk to you about it." I am trying to teach people the appropriate channels and that I am not an additional staff member.

Work out the deep wounds.

Some words and actions cut deep and they will want to fester rather than heal. Bitterness will speak to us that we should cherish these wounds, remembering them because no one else will. Bitterness tells us that we're justified to recall and rehash what's been done to us. But God says the opposite. He takes anger and unforgiveness seriously. He says we are to forgive because He has forgiven us so much more. Rooting out bitterness and forgiving sometimes happens instantly but, often, it is a process. We must continue to work out deep wounds until they are no longer wounds. 

Don't self-criticize. Let the Holy Spirit be the Holy Spirit.

One of the most hurtful types of criticism is self-criticism, like the conversations I have in my head. For some reason, I make up what I think people think of me or want from me. Instead, I have learned that I must trust the Holy Spirit to lead me. If I am not being faithful with what He's given me, I can trust Him to convict me. I cannot and will not please everyone, but I can please the Lord and He will show me how.

How have you learned to biblically and healthily respond to criticism in ministry?

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The View From the Eyes of the Pastor's Kid

I am at Exponential this week and have invited a few guests to post in my place. Today, I'm welcoming Rachelle to the blog. She brings a needed perspective to our ongoing conversation in this space regarding ministry: the perspective of the pastor's kid.
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I grew up as a pastor's kid. {Insert your typical stereo-types and jokes here.}
Would you believe that, at age 35, I still get introduced sometimes as "the pastors' daughter"? And now, since my husband is full time at our church I also get the title "pastor's wife", which comes with its own separate jokes and pre-conceived notions.

My dad started a church over 30 years ago, so I have owned the title "pastor's kid" for as long as I can remember. When you grow up as a pastor's kid, because people come to the pastor when there is trouble, there were many times that I would know about marriage problems, financial issues and many other difficulties with many people from my church. It became my responsibility to keep quiet about all of them. We had very little money, and I watched my parents get a lot of expectations piled on them. I also realized that people were watching me all the time.

My parents’ marriage was watched closely, as well as their parenting, their financial decisions, their leisure activity--all of it. My dad was expected to be on call 24/7. I remember one time he got a call at 2:00 am because a lady had lost her cat and wanted my dad to come and rescue it from a tree. He went. He was expected to be at the hospital if there was a church member, or family of a church member, friend of a church member who was sick. Our door was always expected to be open, and people were free to stop in any time they chose.

Through all of this, my dad did not and does not complain. He has felt the call of God on his life, and he is the most merciful, gracious person that I know.

But here is why I think that many pastor's kids go off the deep end:
They see all of this.
They see all of the time, the work, the effort that goes into being a pastor.
And the sad part is, they also see the meanest side of people. Most of the time, it is by people claiming the name of Jesus! It can just blow your mind the things that people can say and do. If that is allowed to stay in your mind, and you dwell on it, and don't bring it before God and leave it there? It can destroy you.

So here's what happens: As a kid (or as a wife) watching her daddy (or husband) get treated like this is so disconcerting. You can start to feel like you just can't trust anyone. You can start to wonder, “Is really worth it, pleasing God and serving people with your life?”

I am very blessed. My dad has a very godly, supportive and loving wife. My dad never ever put the ministry before his family. (and this is hard to do!) My dad knew that God wanted him to give his life to serve his community. And the most important part: my dad has a personal, growing relationship with a God who loves him and wants what is best for him. I learned how to handle the hard parts of ministry from watching my dad.

So for those of you who have had your own ideas or expectations of pastor's kids or pastor's wives, I encourage you to look at it a little bit differently for a minute. Understand the pressure, the unrealistic expectations, the stress and the pain that goes along with it. Understand that your pastor has feelings, that he is under attack, and that his wife and kids have real needs just like you do. Consider writing an encouraging note to your pastor, his wife or even their kids. Don’t participate in spreading gossip about him or his family. Make sure you are totally in the Spirit before you even think of putting down his character (and especially don't talk to him about some issue right before or after he preaches). Pray for him and his family a little bit harder.

And the next time you are tempted to judge, or criticize, try looking at the view from the eyes of a pastor's kid, a kid who is still developing his view of the world, of people, and of God. Try looking at the view from the eyes of a pastor's wife, who just longs to have a friend who cares about them, who wants to get together for coffee, not because they need counsel, but because they actually care about her.

Finally, if you are the pastor’s wife or the pastor’s kid, remember this promise from God’s Word: “Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58)

If you are not a member of a pastor's family, what have you learned from Rachelle that you can put into practice? If you are a member of a pastor's family, how do you embrace the life and calling God has given you?

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