Interview with Lauren Chandler: Part Two

Yesterday, Lauren Chandler offered advice for pastors' wives. Today, she answers my questions about how she responds to the demands of ministry life. I know you'll appreciate her candor as much as I did.

With being such an influential couple and in a demanding ministry role, how do you protect against isolation and loneliness? How do you maintain community, openness, and connection with others?

I am blessed to have a group of about 10 women at The Village with whom I've walked for almost 5 years. Some are on staff, some are staff wives and others are covenant members. We have walked through more than I could ever imagine in those 5 years. It has been a tremendous blessing and one of the most intense times of growth in my walk with the Lord. I do not lead the group. Our leader is in her forties with more ministry experience and I love and respect her. I know that this is rare to have especially as a lead pastor's wife. I am grateful for it.

Also, I was involved in our Recovery ministry for a couple of years. When I say "involved" I mean as a participant first and then a leader. There was definitely a lot of openness and connecting with others there. Honestly, it was what I needed. I needed to stop pretending I had it all together. That's a real danger in being a wife of a pastor. We easily buy into the lie that we have to look like we've got it all together while we're dying inside. If you don't start walking in openness about your sin, you eventually start believing you do have it all together and that's when you can end up ruining your marriage and your ministry and your own soul.

How do you protect your marriage and family from the demands of ministry?

Matt is great at leading out in this. Concerning the demands of time, we keep a check on our calendar constantly. Matt, his assistant, a couple of elders and I meet together about twice a year to look at Matt's schedule and outside speaking engagements. If it looks like an exceptionally busy week is ahead for us, we intentionally shut down the social calendar (or make it home-based) the week before. 

Concerning the demands of living as a family on "display," we strive to live with integrity. We don't want to come off to others as something we are not at home. This means we strive to have family devotions and to not miss what's going on in the hearts of our kids or each other. We are by no means perfect and our children see that the most. We say "sorry" and "forgive me" and "I was wrong" a LOT. We do not want to forget that our first ministry is to our children. The Lord made no mistake in placing them with us. A wise, godly woman reminded me that there's a reason He placed them with us and so do not buy into the idea that we can't treat them preferentially in ministry. I want them to be the most important converts to me. I want to be more concerned with mentoring them than mentoring a million "influential" young women.

How do you know when you need to play the “wife card” and say no to a ministry opportunity for Matt?

I can honestly say I've only threatened using it once. I didn't even have to play it in the end! He was in the throes of a hard week of chemo (each run is different) and was contemplating still preaching on the weekend. I told him that if he decided to preach, I was going to call Brian Miller (an elder) and play the "wife card." Deep down, Matt knew I was right...ha!...and that it would be wise to rest. 

How do you resist being pulled by the expectations of others?

This may sound crazy, but I think the Lord has protected me from knowing most of the expectations of others on me. I struggle with the fear of man so, any expectations I do sense, I use as an opportunity to press into the Lord and operate in the fear of Him and not of them. I also want to make sure it isn't the Lord nudging me to step out in something. I just go to Him and to Matt and ask for wisdom. Being Matt's wife has given me compassion and mercy towards people of influence who have people vying for their attention and time constantly. I want to be gracious and not set expectations that are unfair on them because I wouldn't want them placed on me either!

What do you like most/least about being a pastor's wife?

I love the people of The Village. I love their stories. I love what God is doing in them and through them. I am grateful that we get to see it and be a part of it. My favorite weekends are our baptism weekends. To hear the testimonies of how the Lord is working is overwhelming.

The thing I like least about being a pastor's wife is having a crazy and full Christmas Eve (four services: 1pm, 3pm, 5pm & 7pm). But, the Lord is starting to change my heart in this. I want to treasure that time when it's just the kids and me instead of watching the clock until 6 p.m.

What are you passionate about? When and how do you pursue those passions?

Music is a huge passion of mine. I love writing it. I love singing it. I love listening to it. I love leading worship with it. I also enjoy writing in general. I am pursuing some personal projects in both of these areas. I finally feel a release from the Lord to pursue them. I try to find time when the kids are in school (which is twice a week as they attend a classical Christian school that is part-time homeschool) or whenever the house is a conducive environment. Sometimes I have to seize the moments of inspiration which can come in the most random spaces: washing dishes, working in the yard, even in the shower. 

Though I am passionate about music and writing, they're simply the medium. I am passionate about communicating the beautiful collision of the glory of God and the human experience. 

Can you relate to Lauren? How do you handle the pressures of ministry?


Join me tomorrow as I ask Lauren questions about how Matt's cancer battle affected her and what she's learned from it. (You can read that post here.)