April 20, 2011

Grace is Hard

After such a long, hard winter, I can't get enough pictures of spring! 

I've been a little panicky lately, trying to figure out my life. Things that haven't worried me in a long time have been flying around my face like gnats.

To swat them away, I've been tempted to break out the ol' trusty checklist and get to work trying to control, plan, force, fix, and earn.

This grace and trust thing is hard.

I am more comfortable with busyness, with step-by-step plans, with guarantees.

Grace is hard because it means giving up control, waiting patiently, and feeling vulnerable in our dependence. What if He doesn't come through? What if He isn't a good leader? What if He leads me where I don't want to go?

So I go back to my familiar slave drivers: fear, performance, worry, control. I'm impatient waiting for His leading so I jump ahead and make stuff up and then get frazzled and upset at Him for where He's led me. I become my own worst enemy, but attribute it to God.

But God lovingly and perfectly leads. If I'd just trust Him.

This morning, I sat on the porch drinking my coffee and enjoying the life teeming around me. The birds. The azaleas. The trees. They haven't fretted all winter wondering if they'll bloom or birth in spring. Like a conductor, He has awakened the earth in perfect symphony. They don't worry one single tiny bit if He'll provide for them.

Grace leads me to receive these same gifts--provision, leadership, peace, rest--and to put away the checklist once again.

Grace is where God is.