February 21, 2012

Do It For the Kids

Generally, I am not a worrier, but in the past months I have fretted over my children. The last time I second-guessed myself and worried like this was the year my then three-year-old was diagnosed with autism. Again, I have found myself asking questions, feeling troubled and unsure, and grasping for some control over the future. Their future.
My heart has been in knots as I have wrestled with God over my uncertainties, not even quite sure where they've come from or to what end He wanted to bring me. Through it all, He has, as He always does, consistently spoken grace over my life.

Slowly and gently, He has unraveled the rope in my heart, laying it out straight and knotless so that I can (finally) see clearly. What I see is that my heart has not been troubled because I need to make some drastic change in how I parent, although all along I have been asking Him about this. It is something else, something simple and surprising.

Surprising, because I thought I trusted God. Without thought of logic, I have moved across the country and helped my husband plant a church, for goodness sake. I have put myself and my crazy thoughts out into the world through my writing, believing that God could use it in some small way. I have come through a period of grief and disillusionment with a more profound hope in God and longing for Heaven after my son's unexpected diagnosis.

Surprising, because I have seen God's faithfulness with my own eyes, touched it, felt it, and held it in my hands. I have believed with certainty that, going forward, He will be for me in the future what He has been for me in the past, perhaps even more.

Yet, at the same time that I have celebrated God's faithfulness, I have wrestled with this uncertainty about my children. Always about my children.

This I see clearly now, that my heart has been troubled into knots because I have not trusted that God will take care of my children. I get a little twinge in my heart when I consider how they are growing up familiar with things that are unfamiliar to me, that they aren't familiar with things so familiar and beloved to me. I have not trusted that His calling on us to move away from our extended families, plant a church, be in ministry, and live in a very secular place is also His best for my children. I have not trusted, truly trusted, that He will provide and care for them.

The knots are undone, the rope taut, a fear laid bare. I have so clearly seen my heart and confessed my distrust. I know, however, that the opportunity to worry will present itself again, and very soon at that. Will I tie myself in knots of uncertainty and fear? Or will I keep myself laid bare, trusting like a child for my children?

What are you needing to trust God with?

The Lord continues to use the narrative about Joshua and Caleb spying out the Promised Land in my life. He used it to call us into church planting and He used it to remind me that His care is for me and my children in this process:

And all the children of Israel complained.."Why has the Lord brought us to this land to fall by the sword, that our...children should become victims? Would it not be better for us to return to Egypt?"

And the Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron saying, "How long shall I bear with this evil congregation who complain against Me. Those who have complained against Me shall fall in this wilderness...But your little ones, whom you said would be victims, I will bring in, and they shall know the land."
(Numbers 14)