March 26, 2012

Along This Road

When our first son was born, and I looked into his sweet little face for the first time, I could never have guessed all the joy, doubt, blessing, humility, and grief that was to come, or how much, through him, God would change me.

I knew only that God had promised him to me as a sign of His love and that his name was Will, God's Will.

In that moment, I became a mother, but I felt more like a child, a child reaching for her Father's hand, a child with a simple prayer: You lead, I will follow, as this little one follows me.

As Will grew, he found his legs, but he did not find his voice. He discovered trains and numbers, but not playmates at his side. On the path, I called him forward, but he lagged behind. Still holding my Father's hand, still following His lead, the turn we took seemed confusing and uncertain. I tugged on His hand, asking questions, at times demanding answers. I have trusted You and this is where You've led me? 

We stopped walking for a while, and I removed my hand from His. We sat together, His gentle presence allowing my silence, allowing my questions and frustrations and doubts. Eventually, He spoke. Trust Me. I will lead, you just follow, as your little one follows you.

Like a child, I reached once again for my Father's hand and followed Him down a road I never wanted to walk. Many times, we stopped, and I removed my hand from His. Many times, we sat together in silence. Many times, He listened as I poured out my worries, concerns, and frustrations. Will he ever have a friend? Will he ever return our love? Will he ever know You? Every time, He offered His hand and said, Trust Me. I will lead, you just follow, as your little one follows you.

his week, my sweet little one, now 8-years-old, called from behind me on the path. I want to follow Jesus. I turn to him and all I can think is how my beloved Father has moved mountains to make that heart soft, to make that heart understand. He was right all along, He led perfectly all along, despite my maniacal worries. The road led to this spot all along.

The Father rejoices not only in my son's heart, but in my mother heart that finally sees.

Now, I will lead, you just follow, as your little one follows Me.