It may sound strange, but I have a hard time pinpointing who
my friends are.
Each week, I spend time with various kinds of people in
various situations, both official ministry events and informal social
situations. Many of these people attend our church and, often, we talk together
about intimate things. But sometimes the lines between ministry and friendship
become blurred. Am I having coffee with a friend or am I having coffee with
someone who needs counsel? Is this a person who desires to know me or who
desires to know the “pastor’s wife”?
Most of the time I can distinguish between the two easily,
but sometimes I can’t.
I’ve discovered, however, that when I have physical, emotional, or spiritual needs, the lines become
clearly drawn. Who can I count on
to listen, to pray for me, to carry some of the burden with me, even ministry
burdens? Who can I trust?
My friend Jessica unknowingly helped me develop a friendship
litmus test a few weeks ago when she had her third child. With three children
under 3, she confessed her difficulty in getting out of the house and asked if
I would be willing to run an errand for her. She then handed me a broken
nursing bra to exchange at the mall. As I left with her nursing bra, I realized
that not only did she trust me with her money, but she also felt completely
comfortable handing me her underwear. Women don't ask just anyone to do that.
In that moment, holding a broken bra in my hands, I felt privileged and
extremely thankful that she would consider me her friend. I also recognized
this as my litmus test for friendship. Who, I wondered, would I ask to exchange a nursing bra for
me? Or more accurately, since I no longer need nursing bras (sigh), who would I
ask to carry a heavy burden for me?
A few faces immediately popped in my head. When I interact
with these women, I leave feeling refreshed and full of life. They ask about
me. They know my needs, my concerns, my faults, my joys. They share their own
with me, even their doubts and weaknesses.
These friendships have not come easy. In fact, I have
experienced seasons in life where I would not have been able to think of one
person who lived in my town that I would call to exchange my nursing bra, or
take my kids when I was sick, or pray me through a difficult situation. Adult
friendship is HARD. I don’t think this is unusual for women in ministry, but I also
don’t think it’s unusual for all women.
In the past few weeks, I’ve spoken with women of all life stages and situations
who have bemoaned their lack of heart friends.
If we desire friendship, we have to start somewhere. It will
probably entail trusting, letting people into our hearts, taking a risk, or
asking for help. It will take work: cultivating, seeking out, maintaining,
investing. Perhaps we start with a tangible need, an invitation, a window into
our hearts.
Or perhaps even a nursing bra.
