One of my good friends is a pastor's wife and I know she has a special set of struggles and responsibilities to go with it. I wondered if you, as a pastor's wife, could share what is helpful to YOU in a friend?
This is a great question and I'm happy to give my two cents. I hope, however, that ministry wives will fill up the comments section with their own insights into what is helpful for them.
Here are my thoughts:
If you are good friends with your pastor's wife (or perhaps you are friend of a pastor's wife at another church), the first thing you should know, the most important thing you should know is that you have a unique opportunity to serve and minister to someone who is primarily (and often, happily) in a serving role. There are not many people who consider the pastor's wife to be a real person, or as Jan Karon relays in At Home in Mitford: "It's almost impossible for leaders of a congregation to accept that their pastor (or pastor's wife!) needs pastoring."
As I said before, your pastor's wife may have difficulty distinguishing who her friends are. The lines between ministry and friendship are often blurred. Is she having coffee with a friend or someone who needs counsel? Do they want to know her or know their "pastor's wife"? She will identify you as a good friend when you see her as a real person, as someone who needs counsel and encouragement as much as the next person.
Aside from that most crucial factor of friendship, as the pastor's wife, there are other things I look for from good friends. Someone in the "friend" category:
- Is a safe person: emotionally healthy, discreet, able to handle discussing my own issues.
- Is comfortable around me and real with me about what her life is like. So refreshing!
- Asks questions about me, not about church details or decisions. She shows interest in my life.
- Initiates getting together.
- Invites me to her home or to get-togethers.
- Hosts or plans something and doesn't always expect me to take the lead.
- Understands that Sunday mornings are not the best times to talk. In other words, she is understanding, flexible, and gives me space to carry out my calling.
- Challenges me and encourages me spiritually.
- Loves my kids and lets them be kids.
- Prays for me.
Then there are dynamics that distinguish someone in the "ministry" category. If you are good friends with a pastor's wife, you should definitely NOT do these things. They are:
- Don't talk about your plans with the pastor's wife in front of her and other women who were not invited. This adds loads of pressure on her. In the same vein, if she senses that you flaunt your relationship, as if she were an object or a prize, you become an unsafe person to her.
- Don't ask questions about church decisions, church events, or confidential counseling information. Please also don't make her the go-between between you and the pastor.
- Don't introduce her to others as your pastor's wife. (see also: Pastor's Wife, Conversation Killer)
- Don't be clingy or demanding of her time.
- It's OK to share struggles or concerns with her, but don't view her as your personal counselor and constantly dump or vent.
- Don't criticize the church, her husband, or her kids. If you have a problem with something, please handle it appropriately.
- Don't make assumptions about the pastor's wife without getting to know her personally.
I hope that provides a little insight, but I'm way more interested in your perspective. If you are a ministry wife, what is helpful for you in a friend? If you are not a ministry wife, what is it like to be friends with a ministry wife? How can we make friendship easier?
22 comments:
Christine,
I think this is such a great post. I know someone that is a pastor's wife and remember her telling me that she felt like she lived in a "fishbowl" and was unable to be really transparent with other women in the church. That definitely highlights the importance of being "discreet" and "real" that you mentioned earlier.
For me, as a friend of a pastor's wife, I try to do anything practical that she needs (more so than other friendships). This may mean babysitting so her and her husband can go out on a date, going over to her house to help her do laundry or dishes, watching out for her kids at church while she is visiting with guests, etc. Like you said, I see this as my opportunity to minister specifically to her and her family, as they are usually the ones giving.
Wow, what an insightful post. I'm a ministry wife, and that actually gives me words for a lot of the things I'm desiring in a friend. It's really clear and insightful!
My husband is not a pastor but a campus minister, and we raise all of our own funding for our ministry (as do many church planters). Because several of my friends are also supporters, I sometimes struggle with that aspect of our friendship. Sometimes I become fearful of the question, "So, how is ministry stuff going?" I want to share the wonderful as well as the difficult parts of my life with my close friends, but I can never really tell if they're asking as a friend or as a supporter, or both, or if it's all just in my head. This keeps me from feeling like I can let close friends in on my true weaknesses and struggles, whether in ministry or in my personal life.
I think what would make supporter friendships "safe" is to simply acknowledge this factor of our relationship and, hopefully, be reassured of their grace towards me in giving, not to our family or our ministry, but unto the Lord. And as we do make mistakes or make decisions they may not agree with or understand, it would be helpful for them to just be humble and let me know they trust God to work in and through us... just like any friend would.
I love that you do those practical things for your friend. I'm sure that is a blessing to her.
Great insight, Christine. I don't have anything extra to add at this point, but I do want to say I love your dos and don'ts lists. Very thorough and true. Sometimes I just want some friends to laugh with, not have deep, serious discussion about their issues, my issues, or church issues...just to laugh. Thanks for your thoughtful, well-written insights!
Love this & very helpful insight. I feel one of the gifts God has entrusted me is encouragement. It is an awesome opportunity to serve & minister. I have awesome pastors wifes who are my friends. I truly ask God to help me be a "real" friend to them & their biggest encourager.
My sister is a pastor's wife. This helps me remember that I need to support her even more. I do not often think about the women who get close to her just because she IS the pastor's wife and not for the awesome woman she is!
I am not a pastor's wife but am a relatively-newly-married woman, hoping to have AND adopt kids in the near future; I also think that the Lord will call my husband to be a shepherding group leader (this has been brought up more than once!) if not more.
And I struggle with friendship. A lot. I want to tell myself to "Grow up"; the mature women in my life aren't worrying over whether their friends "like" them as equals! But it looks like I am not alone. Anyway, the most important quality in a friend to me--bar none--is loyalty. If someone talks about people behind their backs, even mildly--but then on FB or elsewhere acts like they are good, dear friends--that makes me wonder if I am TRULY a friend, or if I am someone to also be talked about, when the circumstances are right. I don't like rejection, but I can even handle rejection if it isn't delivered along with backstabbing, I think. Honesty is not the best policy; it is the ONLY policy for a believer. If someone is making observations to others about me that she wouldn't say TO me, then I can't trust her.
It's all about loyalty and trustworthiness.
This anonymous post didn't show up:
My sister is a pastor's wife. This helps me remember that I need to support her even more. I do not often think about the women who get close to her just because she IS the pastor's wife and not for the awesome woman she is!
Thanks for sharing your lists. It helps those of us not in the ministry to be much more aware of the things we do or don't do that hinder the encouragement and support of the pastor's wife as her own person. It also helps me to know how I've made these very same mistakes with my own daughter who is the pastor's wife--and especially in her first year of church planting. I learn how to be a more supportive mom to her every time you write a post about this topic.
I have been a church planting wife for 6 years now, and I can tell you that my "safe" friends...and there are prob only two, are my refuge (third to my Jesus and my man :) ). I'm not sure how I made it through the first years of planting without one of them. Thanks SO very much for your honesty--such an encouragement to not feel stuck out on a lonely island.
Thank you for this post. I am new to your blog (and also am a church planting pastor's wife named Christine!) I think that friendship is something that many women in general struggle with, though perhaps it's more unique to ministry wives.
I'd like to add one item to your "don't" list: Don't assume that your pastor should be reachable 24/7. i.e. Don't send texts at all hours of the day and expect immediate response. Even better, only text during work hours and send other after-hour requests via email. You may think you're only contacting the pastor, but it invariably cuts into family time and at the very least draws his thoughts away from his family.
On the other hand, I can't tell you the number of times that I have been blessed by someone in our church helping me with my kids on a Sunday morning as I'm alone in the pew, sending us an encouraging note "just because", or offering to bring bars to Bible Study so that it's one less thing for me to think about. I was once asked what the hardest thing about being a pastor's wife is, and I am thankful that I could say with honesty that I am blessed by our congregation far more than I am burdened by it.
I have friends that have been here since the beginning too, Lori, and I thank God for them.
I'm thankful for that for you as well.
Yay! Another Christine who is a cp wife. Welcome to the blog.
I feel the same way about our church, Christine, and I'm so thankful for that.
I'm not a pastor's wife, but my husband has been chair of the elder board at our church for several years. I I can relate to some of your same challenges in friendship. As I reflected on your suggestion to not introduce you as "my pastor's wife" I thought of moments when I have been introduced as "my friend with six daughters. And she home schools!" Sometimes I feel like the expectations of who I must be greatly exceed who I really am. I realized that I need to be careful not ascribe value to any of my friends because of position. Thanks for sharing your heart on this.
I like that Cyndi, that none of us should ascribe value to someone based on position alone. Respect, yes. But not value.
Christine: I am new to your site I have enjoyed reading them, they were insightful and helpful. Thank you and thanks also to the other ladies in ministry who post their feelings and thoughts as well..... We are in ministry as well and it can be hard work, but it is rewarding. It is a work that we have been called to by the Lord himself. We are grateful to the Lord for loving us and allowing us to serve in ministry. I also can relate to Mrs. Fenton, from Birmingham, Al. In Jesus Name Mae
Our church is small and very much feels like a family. I consider many of the women my friends. I can talk to them when I need someone, but most of my time is spent meeting their needs/sharing truth with them. (Which I love to do!) This past Saturday, a younger lady from our church texted me in the morning and asked how she could pray for me that day! It meant a lot to know that God put me on her heart and there were no strings attached.
We moved to start this church 6 years ago from my home town. I have found it invaluable to maintain a couple of close friendships with ladies from home. They listen without judging. They don't know the people I share with them about. They give me godly, biblical perspective and insight that is objective. If I am worn out by ministry, I can let it out to them and they don't feel like they are part of the burden I'm carrying as a friend from the congregation might feel if I unloaded on them.
One challenge I have is not making enough time to develop deep friendships with ladies I enjoy because of time filling up with ministry-relationships. Any advice?
Tracy, I have this (good) problem, too. Sometimes it seems all my social or relationship time is spent on ministry and, for an introvert like me, I only have so much social interaction I can take. This spring, I've really made a more conscious effort to identify people who are life-giving friends and get times on the calendar with them in advance of all the crazy ministry stuff filling up my schedule. Sometimes it's way in advance, but, hey, it works!
My friend who is a pastors wife just stopped talking to me. I don't know how to ask her why. I'm a bit confused and I wonder if it's a common thing for pastors wives.
this is great! I would love to send this to all my friends! Would that be wrong? LOl I just love your site! :)
LOL!! Maybe you could send it anonymously? :) Glad you found my blog and thanks for all the comments.
This is so good! I feel like your lists were right on! As a pastors wife who is in a season of pulling back some and focusing first on being a wife and mom it helps me to put what I'm seeking for and need in the right perspective. I often find myself feeling expected to be everybody's friend and than I just get overwhelmed and want to shut down or hide. ;) just for the moment tho..I truly love serving people! Thanks for your encouragement!!
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