October 22, 2012

Fight For It

For too many Sundays, I have had the attitude of a Survivor. Just make it through, do what you need to do to be done so you can get to your Sunday afternoon nap. I smiled, I hugged necks, I cracked my Bible to teach and counsel, but inside, my heart and mind were a million miles away. When noon hit, I ticked another minute off my watch and another Sunday off the calendar.

This was the loveless me, the apathetic me, the game-playing me. I could only see the small-picture and it revolved around me, the Survivor.
For too many Sundays, I have had the attitude of a Can Do-er. I've got this. These days came as I gained experience, knowledge, and credibility. I knew names and how to make people feel welcome, I knew what questions to ask and what answers to give, I knew how to do it all. And I forgot I needed God.

This was the overly confident me, the prideful me, the reputation-building me. I could only see the small picture and it revolved around me, the Can Do-er.

For too many Sundays, I have had the attitude of Can't Do-er. I'm not good enough at this. I stumble and bumble through it all. I'll never get it right. I cleaned up rather than talk to anyone. I replayed conversations, condemning myself for the things I wish I could take back. I compared myself with other leaders, always falling short.

This was the shame-ridden me, the isolated me, the envious me. I could only see the small picture and it revolved around me, the Can't Do-er.

For too many Sundays, I have had the attitude of a People Worshipper. Do they like me? Do they like my husband? Do they like our church? I wonder what they think. I hoped they saw what I did, I wondered about their expectations and if I met them, I wished they would talk to me or give me the approval I craved.

This was the desperate me, the pitiful me, the powerless me. I could only see the small picture and it revolved around me, the People Worshipper.

I have been all these things and more, blown around by the whims of my emotions or circumstances that I awoke to on Sunday mornings. No longer. I no longer wake up on Sundays and hope for the best. I no longer try to psych myself up or run from my responsibilities. I choose not to surrender to myself or to any other influence that will entangle me in sinful thoughts or will render me powerless to do what God has called me to do. I have to go to Him and let Him help me prepare for the day, let Him give me eyes to see and a heart that loves.

This is what I choose and what I want: to have the attitude of a Fighter. I will trust you, God, to keep my heart's affection and my mind's attention on You. I will minister in faith and grace, believing that You ultimately are the heart-changer. I will rely on You to empower me, not rely on myself. I will love boldly and serve willingly and joyfully.

This is the dependent me, the faith-full me, the joy-filled me. I can see the big picture and it doesn't revolve around me. And I have to fight to stay here.