Until my late twenties, I spent the majority of my Christian
life striving—striving for perfection, for God’s favor, for the approval of
others, and for the joy and freedom that the Bible spoke of yet completely
eluded me.
In Nothing is Impossible with God: Reflections on Weakness, Faith, and Power, Rose Marie Miller describes my life as she depicts
her own:
The gospel was not my
working theology: Mine was moralism and legalism—a religion of duty and self
control through human willpower. The goal was self-justification, not the
justification by faith in Christ that the gospel offers. But, as many people
can tell you, moralism and legalism can “pass” for Christianity, at least
outwardly, in the good times. It is only when crises come that you find there
is no foundation on which to stand. And crises are what God used to reveal my
heart’s true need for him. (4)
Like Miller, I am a pastor’s wife, a church planting wife,
and a missionary. Like Miller, I for so long lived a life of legalism, and,
like her, ministry was the “crisis” that shone a light on my self-sufficiency
and self-justification. I discovered quickly that I could not meet ministry’s
demands, and I certainly could not love, according to bootstrap religion.
The beacon of light, simultaneously convicting and
life-giving, was Galatians 5:4: “You are severed from Christ, you who would be
justified by the law.” That is exactly how I felt—like an outsider standing apart
from Christ, trying desperately to earn my belonging. I rejected any of
Christ’s advances toward me out of shame over my failures and out of my stubborn
self-determination.
Rose Marie Miller’s husband, Jack, characterized her
self-justification as orphanhood: “You act as if you are an orphan. You act as
if there is no Father who loves you.”
- Orphans have to take care of themselves.
- Orphans must be strong.
- Orphans must protect themselves from being taken advantage of.
- Orphans cannot depend on anyone.
- Orphans cannot be weak.
- Orphans crave to be taken in and loved but doubt they ever will.
- Orphans want to be accepted, to belong.
- Orphans only trust themselves.
- Orphans cannot get too close.
- Orphans are on the outside looking in.
The Father advanced toward me, showing me that, in Christ, I
am no longer an orphan but a daughter: “God sent forth His Son, born of a
woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons
and daughters” (Galatians 3:4-5).
If we are sons and daughters (and we are, if we are in Christ), we enjoy the love
and protection of a perfect Father. He is not an impatient, stingy parent
forever irritated at our weaknesses and failures. He invites us into the
family, gives us His name, dresses us with righteousness fitting of His family,
and erases the ways of our orphanhood, especially our self-reliance and
self-justification.
But that’s just it, we too often return to our orphanhood:
living as if it were
still up to us, living as if the Spirit never came and could never teach us or
guide us in all the affairs of life. We go through the day believing that it is
up to us to figure out how to solve our problems and get on with life. The
result is that we live with an uneasy guilt and fear because we have not
measured up to our standards or won the approval of others. (56)
I see orphanhood pervading my heart and the hearts of other women
in an age when Facebook comparison and self-sufficiency reign. There is an
undeniable urge toward perfection in our culture and even in our churches. Women
stand apart from one another, wondering if they are the only ones, struggling
to keep up the façade of flawlessness. Worse, women stand apart from God,
afraid to go before the throne with their failures or unwilling to acknowledge
their need before Him, when, in reality, we are daughters with full access to
our Father.
As Miller says: “[We] don’t have to be perfect because
Another is perfect for [us}.”
When perfect is taken care of—when we’re declared
righteous by the blood of Christ—we are finally free to love, to accept our
weaknesses because God is strong in them, and to believe that God is for us.
As Miller says, “Living to please God—repenting of the true
guilt that comes when we put anything besides God at the center of our lives,
trusting in the blood of Christ to cleanse the conscience of dead works, and
relying on the power and presence of the Holy Spirit for the tasks of the
day—is truly the liberated way to live.”
Stay tuned! In my next post, I will share my interview with Rose Marie Miller about being a church planting pastor's wife. Would you like to read her excellent book, Nothing is Impossible with God? Enter to win a copy simply by leaving a comment below! I will announce the winner next Monday.
