In the beginning of our ministry, when my husband went on
staff at a church as the college pastor, I was self-conscious anytime I walked
into church or into a ministry event. Typically alone due to my husband’s
responsibilities, I had to fend for myself. My thoughts turned inward: Would
anyone talk to me? Who could I talk to?
Out of necessity, I got really good at initiating
conversation really quickly, but the self-consciousness remained. I could talk
to anyone, remember names, and recall details of things they’d shared with me
before, but I felt purposeless. I felt that, as a pastor’s wife, I should have a purpose, but I couldn’t
for the life of me figure out what it was.
I found myself dreading going to church. My husband
fulfilled his role beautifully, but me? I was just kind of wandering around and
having surface conversations, thankful for any opportunities to set things up
or clean up after people because it gave me something to do.
I was just surviving,
really. I secretly wondered if a pastor’s wife was just arm decoration or a
glorified greeter, but I longed for more, for a divine purpose to fulfill in
this unique role. I didn’t want to go through the motions of ministry; I wanted
to be bold and joyfully minister myself.
How could I get there?
Slowly, I recognized patterns of self-sabotage: focusing on
my thoughts and allowing the self-conscious to feed on itself, listening to the
enemy’s accusations of weakness and failure, holding myself back from leading or
from being vulnerable with others.
I began to battle, especially on Sunday mornings. I knew that I
could no longer go into ministry situations in my own strength or skill but
only relying on the Spirit for my approval, power, and love for others.
And to tell you the truth, I have never been able to stop
battling since, even after 13 years of ministry. It hasn’t gotten any easier,
and, as an aside, I don’t think that ministry should be easy because if it were
easy, we wouldn’t rely on God to minister through us.
Part of the battle, I’ve discovered, is in my preparation, whether early Sunday morning or in the car headed to church
or a ministry event. If I go in with an “I’ll just get through this” kind of
attitude, it’s not going to be a good day and I will wonder purposelessly
through everything. I must turn my heart toward Jesus and ask Him to give me
His eyes and His love for people.
The other part of battling is disregarding thoughts that pop
up in the midst of being with people. These thoughts are generally self-focused
or distract me into fearing man rather than God.
As I have battled and learned to prepare myself through
prayer, I have discovered that Sundays are very purposeful. I am not an arm
decoration or a glorified greeter; I am a minister of the gospel. Unlike the
early days, I know what my spiritual gifts are and I seek out ways to use them
on Sundays. I also have learned to cut myself slack, knowing that my children
require a big portion of my attention.
And you want to know one practical thing that has truly
helped me on Sundays? Before I get to church, I pray that God would give me one
or two people that I can have a good conversation with or bless in some way.
Sometimes He even brings people to mind right then and I seek them out when I
get to church with specific questions in mind that I want to ask them. I love
that, as a pastor’s wife, I can speak blessing and encouragement and truth into
people’s lives.
Sometimes, to be honest, Sundays don’t go well. There are
times I feel overwhelmed and frazzled. And then other times I leave feeling
discouraged or as if I don’t belong at my own church. These are times when I
have learned that I have to go to God and let Him love me and speak His
pleasure over me. It’s also a time when I have to recount the many rewards of being in ministry alongside my husband.
And that, my friends, is how I survive thrive on Sundays. How do you
do it?
The rest of this week,
we will be talking about other “how-to’s” for pastors’ wives. Join us?
The countdown continues! Only 25 days until the book releases.
