Q: Looking back to before your husband confessed his sin to
you, how do you see now that his sexual sin had been affecting your marriage?
What signs, if any, did you miss that he was struggling in this way?
A: I hate using the cliché “hindsight is 20/20", but it’s so
true! I definitely felt there was
a “glitch” in our communication and intimacy. He didn’t always want to pray with me or talk deeply about
much. I interpreted this as apathy
and laziness, but I didn’t dig too much myself. Perhaps I feared the truth, or knew in my spirit I didn’t
want to go there. When he would
lead a bible study or minister to other men, he would speak with such
power. I longed to listen to him
speak the Word and minister because that authority was missing at home. I now know God bestowed such grace to
have His Word spoken in truth even when His vessel was secretly
struggling.
I know there were signs along the way I missed, but mostly I
thought anything Brad had told me about his past had been dealt with. I did not really recognize that things in his past could used as weapons to steal, kill, and destroy him and his future marriage and ministry. I believe I
thought because he was a believer, this stronghold could no longer have such
power over him. Boy, I had that
backwards!
Q: When you found out, what were the best things that you did
in response? What do you wish you would have done differently?
A: My response?
Wow. When he confessed to
me, I believe I reacted as most wives would: I totally freaked out! I cried until I was literally
sick. It was just so unfathomable
to me…this man God chose for me.
How could he do this to me?
How could he do this to our son?
How could he do this to those whom he ministered to?
The best thing we did in response was seek immediate
counsel. Looking back, I am so
proud of Brad for having the courage to step out and be honest like that. We met with our pastor two days after Brad’s
confession. I didn’t want to be
there. I was still so shocked (not
to mention embarrassed), but Brad was ready. He had been keeping this to himself for so long, that he
found freedom and peace in obedience.
It felt as if he was halfway through the journey and I was just figuring
out what to pack for this long, treacherous trip. He was at peace for the first time in many years and I was
in mourning. It was an odd time.
One thing I wish I had handled differently happened in my
own personal healing with the Lord.
I allowed myself time to mourn the loss of what I thought our marriage
was, however, I hosted my own pity-party for way too long. I had opened the door for Satan to
whisper untruth to me and I began to agree. “What if I had married So & So instead of Brad”, “What
if I left him now, what would my life be like?” I wish I had sought more counsel to deal with these thoughts
instead of indulging in them.
So, if I could change one thing about how I handled things, it would be
to pray, shout, and sing out praise in defense of these thoughts (Proverbs 4:23). I would have spent more time stopping
them in their tracks instead of letting them float around in my heart to deal
with years later.
Q: What enabled you to forgive your husband and how did that
forgiveness process play out over the months after his confession?
A: More out of obedience than anything else, I had no other
option than “I forgive you.” I knew there was nothing he could do to make God
love him more or less. If the
Father was extending him this kind of grace, can’t I? If the Father bestows this kind of grace over me, can’t I
give it to Brad? The actual words
“I forgive you” weren’t hard for me.
I would repeat them in my head “I forgive him”. Brad has been justified by faith, just
like me.
This sounds simplistic, but it really was just my
choice. I choose to believe
him. When we sat in our pastor’s
office and he said, “Now is your chance to confess anything else. If you confess something new tomorrow
or the next day, you will lose her trust. Do it now.” I
chose to believe that in that moment, he was telling the truth. I have chosen to trust him since then because of safeguards we have in our marriage now. I chose to trust that he would not put our marriage on the
line like this again. I chose to
trust God’s provision for my life and that He was my strength and shield, even
if I did lose trust in my husband again.
Q: What would you encourage wives to
say or do in response to their husbands, especially those who seem unrepentant
and unwilling to confess their sin to anyone else?
A: The first thing I would say is this: There is hope! Don’t lose heart in praying for your
husband. Don’t grow weary in
crying out to the Lord. And don’t
keep it to yourself. You must tell
someone and let another bear your burden.
Exposure of sin is key. We know darkness cannot survive in the
light. As embarrassing and
shameful as telling someone is, start with a wise, godly, trusted woman.
The second thing is this: Know who YOU are! Understanding your identity in Christ
is vital! God created you
perfectly, loves you wholly, and only has good things in store for you. He does not define “eternal/abundant
life” as constant fret and worry over your husband and your marriage. This is absolutely NOT what God wants
for you. You are chosen, you are
royalty, you have been called OUT of darkness! 1 Peter 2:9
I would also say that if your husband is in ministry and you are
silent, the enemy has you where he wants you. Satan has made no qualms about stealing, killing, and destroying
ministry, marriages, children…our entire lives. He literally wants to destroy our ministry as well as our
circle of influence. Privately
struggling with pornography is not a “thorn in the side”, it is not the end of
the path of sin. Satan is not
satisfied with pornography. It will only progress from there, into the depths of
unimaginable sin. We are kidding
ourselves if we begin to think that any kind of ongoing sin and ministry can
coexist.
Again, don’t lose hope. God can and will move this mountain! He longs for your husband’s heart to
turn to him. His arms are not too
short to save! (Isaiah 59:1) Keep
praying. Pray and cry out to our Father
day and night. Praise. Praise when
you don’t feel like it. Praise
when you don’t even believe the words you are saying. Cry out and preach to
your own soul….David did this all the time…see Psalm 42 & 43. Preach to your husband’s soul,
too. You may not want to do this
while he can hear you, but preach.
Cry out “rise up man of God!”
This might sound a little wacky, but again, David (man after God’s own
heart) did it all the time. Make
declarations of truth over your husband.
If you don’t know where to start, ask God to reveal to you who HE says
your husband is. Write it down,
make a list, and don’t stop declaring these things God has revealed to you
until you see them manifest.
An unrepentant heart and an unwillingness to confess is not
too much for God to handle.
Pray. Pray for your husband
day and night. And, praise. Praise is our weapon. Revelation 12 says believers have been
given the authority! We need to use
it to defeat our enemy! David used
praise to defeat his enemies, Paul & Silas’s praise broke chains. Psalm 22 says God inhabits the praise
of His people…I can tell you I felt this in my guest bedroom 9 years ago. When I would begin to speak praise, God
inhabited that place and brought peace.
Q: What kind of safeguards or structures do you have in place
that benefit your marriage and your husband’s ongoing victory?
A: The major safeguard is, of course, accountability. He meets with men every Friday morning. And believe me, they do not shy away
from asking the tough questions. We
can’t lull ourselves into thinking that “meeting for coffee” with someone is
enough to “guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7). I choose to trust Brad’s accountability
group, and I know he is continually seeking out intimacy with the Father. We will never claim to be above sin and
proclaim, “We’ve got this”. We
acknowledge that as soon as we believe we will “never” be in that kind of pit
again, we’ve opened ourselves up to pride, and we all know what happens after
pride (Proverbs 11:2).
Q: What resources have been helpful to you and your husband as
you have walked through repentance and restoration?
A: The best book I read during my own healing was “Love Must Be
Tough” by Dr. James Dobson, at our pastor’s suggestion. The sexual sin described by the book
did not line up exactly what was going on with us, but the biblical truths
held. I already mentioned “Every
Man’s Battle by Aterburn and Stoeker.
There are so many great marriage development resources out there. We
should be constantly tilling this soil.
“Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggrich and “Five Days to a New
Marriage” by Hargrave & Stoever are both great books. Beth Moore’s “When Godly People do Unglodly
Things” study is really good, too.
God speaks to me so powerfully through music and worship, so
here are a short playlist I would give anyone dealing with a marriage mess
right now…
“I Have to Believe” by Rita Springer
“I Knew What I Was Getting Into”, “I am Yours”, “Favorite
One” by Misty Edwards
“I’d Rather be with You” by Julie Meyer
“Restoration” by David Brymer
“Praise the Lord” by Kristene Mueller
Q: Where are y’all in your marriage and ministry now? How has
God used your story?
A: The biggest thing about our marriage today is that there is
complete trust and freedom. Brad
went through some counseling a few years ago and God literally went back and
redeemed some things in his past.
Again, I choose to believe my God is this big. He is not in our time, He is over time. Do I believe He can create light from
dark? Man from dust? Do I believe He can silence a storm
with a word? Do I believe He can
heal the brokenhearted? Yes, I
choose to believe. We have been
given such freedom in our marriage.
By this, I mean freedom from torment, worry, and fear. I do not think about Brad’s
past…ever. I am in a place where I
fully trust him to hear the Lord’s voice and respond in all manner of our
lives.
In the past few years, God has given both of us
opportunities to speak for groups, retreats, etc about His work in our
marriage. It’s amazing how
many couples out there are struggling and stuck. God has been faithful to bring hurting couples to us and
allow us to minister and speak hope into them. We are so thankful to have so many years of testimony to
share. Often, believers jump to
share the sin without the journey of healing…we are grateful for the 9 years of
redemption within an 11 year marriage.
We also believe the more we share, the more God receives the glory and
Satan looses power. Brad and I
have chosen to believe there is no more condemnation in
Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)…therefore, we must be bold in proclaiming what He has
done. He is good! He is faithful! He is mighty to save!
--
I praise God for His ability to redeem and heal! Thank you, Ana and Brad, for sharing your story with us.
Join us for a link up party starting this Wednesday, January 30! We're sharing how God has used church planting or ministry to change our hearts. If you'd like to participate, just write a post on your own blog, come to the blog anytime between Jan 30 and Feb 4, click on the "Add your link" at the bottom of my Jan 30 post, and follow the prompts. One linker will win this necklace from The Vintage Pearl.
In your post, feel free to use this graphic and include this somewhere at the bottom of your post:
I'm linking up with Christine over at Grace Covers Me today as she releases her book, The Church Planting Wife: Help and Hope for Her Heart, and collects heart stories from church planting and ministry wives. Join us?
