That's why I've asked my friend Ana to share her story. Ana and her husband Brad are dear to us and have been since our college days. They have walked through the devastating effects of sexual sin while serving in ministry, but they have also allowed God to do a great work of healing and redemption in their marriage. I admire his repentance and commitment to holiness and I respect her ability to forgive. They are an example of the gospel, plain and simple.
Over the next few days, Ana will share their story. Today, we'll hear straight from her. Next time, she'll answer some of my questions. She shares it all with us as a means of ministering to ministry wives who are struggling in private or who are ministering to others suffering through the consequences of sexual sin.
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In January of 2004, Brad and I had been married two years
and were currently in ministry with a Christian summer camp and college
ministry in the off-season.
I felt pretty good about our marriage at this time, nothing spectacular,
but we were busy with ministry, a new baby, etc. We were as involved in our church as we could be with Brad
traveling to recruit at college campuses and with moving back to the camp (in
another state) every summer. The
college minister at the church (Kyle Hoover…sound familiar?) asked us to pray about
leading a college Sunday School class one semester. We were both excited about it and began to seek the Lord
about whether or not we could commit with Brad’s traveling schedule. The
evening before we were to be introduced as teachers for the spring semester, Brad
told me he had talked to Kyle and told him we could not teach for him. I thought “Huh? Why not?” For the next hour, Brad opened the floodgates to a secret
life I had absolutely no idea
about. When I say blindsided, I
mean I. was. blind.
Brad began to tell me about sexual sin beginning with a pornographic
magazine he saw in middle school to topless bars, to sporadic encounters with
prostitution. I sat there on our
bed, I didn’t cry, I didn’t shake, I just slowly got up, went to the bathroom
and began vomiting. It was like my
mind was completely blank and my physical body could not process what he was
saying. He wanted to keep talking
and get it all out, but I couldn’t hear another syllable. I slept on the bathroom floor that
night completely paralyzed by shock, shame, and disgust.
Two days later, we sat in our pastor’s office. As much as I had respect for this
black-and-white, no-holds-barred man whom I had come to love as my shepherd, I
was not excited about this meeting.
I was embarrassed. I wanted
to be left alone and cry myself to sleep.
I wasn’t ready. Brad
was. He felt that freedom that
comes from obedience. He felt this
was the beginning of this journey of healing and I was stuck at square one. But, because I’ve spoken with women in
the years after and have heard of such horrible,
unbiblical, ridiculous counsel, I want to share some of the questions and
directives our pastor gave us during this meeting in detail because it worked
for us. Here is an outline of how
this meeting went:
One – “What else?”
Our pastor told Brad, “This is your moment to tell her everything. What else do you want her to know? If you tell her something new tomorrow
or six months from now, you are a liar and you’ve completely lost her
trust. In this moment, use what
little trust you have and tell her everything now.” This was such a profound
statement to me. Brad had no more
to tell and I chose to believe that.
Two—“Do you want a divorce?” Huh? Is my
pastor really asking me this? This
was his first question to me. He
asked me in front of Brad and again privately. He said you have the choice to leave him by a biblical basis
or you can choose to stick. As
shocked as I was by this question, I knew the answer was “stick”. I wasn’t particularly confident or
thrilled with “sticking”, but I knew it was what God wanted from me and for
me.
Three—“Who have you told?” He directed us to keep this a VERY small trustworthy
group. Especially in ministry, you
cannot be too careful who you share with.
Even if you are sharing alone while your husband is still struggling,
don’t tell the world. Trust a
few. He also said to be quite
careful in telling family.
Families are quick to choose sides (obviously, but if you are both
committed to making this work, then, wait.) He actually made a list of mutual godly friends of his
and Brad’s for him to call and share with—one being the pastor who married us…ouch. With this sense of community in place,
I felt shelter come over me when I knew these other men would know the whole
truth.
Four—I was to move into a spare bedroom for
“separation”. This was a private
area that B had to knock to come into.
We had to go through our bedroom to get to the closet and bathroom, so
this spare room was completely mine.
This became my hiding place.
I stayed in bed for many days mourning the loss of the marriage I
thought I had to the man I thought I knew. Crying out the Lord in those moments were some of the most
tender times I have ever had with God.
Often, now when I am crying out, a picture of that room will come to
mind. I will go ahead and tell you
that this hiding place was not all mourning…it quickly turned to worship. I would turn on worship music literally
as loud as my stereo (yes, before ipods J),
and scream “I don’t feel this, I don’t think this is true today, but I’m
singing it anyway…make it true, God!”
This may sound crazy, but I found my worshipping voice in this time. I cried out to God with such brutal honesty
that I believe my Daddy laughed and scooped me up saying “Oh, let me prove My
goodness to you.”
Five—B was to join a bible study for men in our church using
the materials “Every Man’s Battle” by Arterburn & Stoeker. This was an excellent resource for both
of us. I read the materials and I
would suggest any woman whose husband is struggling read this book, even if he
won’t. Also, to know other (many!)
men warring against this same stronghold was comforting. Again, we find such
strength in community.
Six—I was to meet with an older woman in our church whose
husband had come out of sexual sin many years ago. I also called a woman from my hometown whom I trusted deeply
and we talked several times a week.
We need these women who have gone before us to lift us up. Like Aaron & Hur did for Moses, we
sometimes just need someone else to hold up our arms so we can worship. (Exodus 17).
Seven—He told me to read a book by James Dobson, “Love Must
Be Tough”. This book mostly speaks
to women dealing with men in extra-marital affairs; however, I suggest all
women dealing with any kind of betrayal in marriage to read it. The basic principal is, “This is the
crisis”. Like the Israelites used
stones as remembrance markers. (Joshua
4:7) Putting a stake in the ground saying, “This is it. We are dealing with
this now. I’m not doing this again in six months or in six years. If you want this marriage, now is the
time to make it work.” This book was an excellent resource for me.
So, the list above is basically what our next couple of
months looked like. Me crying out
to God in my spare room, and B meeting with men and letting the Lord bring
restoration in his own heart. We
talked often, usually both of us crying, and sometimes with me screaming…ugly
cry + snotty cry + screaming = not pretty.
Ana adds: I was completely in the dark about what was going on and many of you are
already aware of your husbands’ secret sins. Some of you have even “found them out”. Brad felt the pressing in of the Holy
Spirit and he finally reacted. If
your husband has not reacted to the conviction of the Holy Spirit yet, believe
me, it will come. Do not lose hope
that this will not happen for him.
God will leave the ninety-nine to come after the one. His arms are NOT too short to save.
Read the second half of the interview here to find out how God saved their marriage.
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Join us for a link up party starting this Wednesday, January 30! We're sharing how God has used church planting or ministry to change our hearts. If you'd like to participate, just write a post on your own blog, come to the blog anytime between Jan 30 and Feb 4, click on the "Add your link" at the bottom of my Jan 30 post, and follow the prompts. One linker will win this necklace from The Vintage Pearl.
In your post, feel free to use this graphic and include this somewhere at the bottom of your post:
I'm linking up with Christine over at Grace Covers Me today as she releases her book, The Church Planting Wife: Help and Hope for Her Heart, and collects heart stories from church planting and ministry wives. Join us?
