Running away would actually be quite easy.
I could go to Kyle and play my wife card and we could slink back to where we came from. Or I could pout and moan and make things so difficult for Kyle that he would give up in frustration. Or I suppose I could leave in the dark of night, but I'm a good girl and good girls don't do such things. Good girls like me keep helping but just turn off our hearts so we stop caring and stop loving.
What was stopping me? What kept me from the life of freedom I envisioned, the one based out of a ranch home in the Hill Country of Texas where the bluebonnets were eternally in bloom, the one where no one needed anything anymore, the one where I had my husband's undivided attention, and, while we're dreaming here, the one where the kids got along fabulously?
I had never come up so close to a line like that and looked it square in the face. I saw that only words, only commitments held me here, words and commitments that could be broken.
And there in that moment of clarity, when I saw how far my unchecked heart could take me, I ran and clutched tightly to God, more out of fear than anything else. I knew I would hate myself if I gave into doubt and discouragement. I knew I would be portraying a lot of lies about God if I gave up. I knew that if I ran away, I would be running away from the Christ-life and running to a futile existence of self-preservation. I knew more than I knew anything else ever in my days that I was clutching onto Truth and Life. How could I run away from that?
In reality, I didn't want to run away from that. I wanted to run away from what He was asking of me: to sacrifice, to believe in the face of uncertainty, to be uncomfortable.
Then I read what Paul said about himself, that he is separated to the gospel of God (Romans 1:1). That's when I knew. The gospel is what keeps me here; I am separated to it, separated from myself, from my original home, from my own agenda. The gospel is why I keep my word and my commitments because I believe it is true and I want to show that to people. The gospel is the motivation for all that I am and do. It anchors my soul in the midst of difficulty and uncertainty. The gospel has to grip my heart, otherwise I will run away.
Now, when I want to run away, I run to.
To the gospel.
The countdown continues! My book, The Church Planting Wife, releases in 17 days! Stay tuned for upcoming giveaways and opportunities to share your stories in this space.
The countdown continues! My book, The Church Planting Wife, releases in 17 days! Stay tuned for upcoming giveaways and opportunities to share your stories in this space.
10 comments:
About a month ago I woke up feeling great, went to church and was impacted by the service, and as soon as we said amen, I said something hurtful to my husband. Satan used that to make me feel like a complete failure, like I was a horrible pastor's wife and a big hypocrite. I snuck out the side door of the church and left without talking to one person. I drove to a park and told God I wanted to run away--that I was tired of serving, tired of trying and failing, and vowed to take care of my husband and kids but that I was done with ministry! I would just stop showing up! (This whole process involved a lot of ugly crying and screaming!)
Then I rolled down my window, and a tiny seed fell from the tall, weedy plant above right into my lap, and it was like God whispered to my heart, "This is all the faith you need. I can work with this." Next I saw a dog running right next to owner without any leash. You might think, "What does that have to do with anything?" Just that morning in my husband's message, he said that was what it was like to understand the gospel and not need the leash of the law. That we love and trust our Master so much that it is freeing to be right next to Him--in His love and security. So many think of Christianity as a leash that keeps us from running free, when the gospel is actually taking the leash off and realizing that freedom and joy comes from being next to the Lord.
These reminders of my faith and freedom ended my pity party and drove me home to ask my husband's forgiveness and to commit afresh to the work that God has called me. He is a good, faithful God!
Thanks for the encouragement to run to the Gospel. It's so funny this post is about running to as opposed to running from because I was just listening to "I Run To You" by Lady Antebellum yesterday reflecting on my need to make running to Christ my knee jerk reaction when things get tough, especially with our church plant. I'm thankful for the reminder as to why we plant, it is for the Gospel and the transformation of lives that we've committed our words, lives, and hearts to this calling.
Absolutely beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
It's just wonderful to know that I'm not the only one who has contemplated running away!!!
I'm going to take a stab at it and say that 100% of ministry wives who have been in ministry for longer than a month have thought about running away :)
Thank you for sharhing this and for your honesty. This is something I have been really struggling with lately in ministry and in life - running away. Something you wrote really hit hard ... "when I saw how far my unchecked heart could take me, I ran and clutched tightly to God, more out of fear than anything else. I knew I would hate myself if I gave into doubt and discouragement"... I realized that is me right now.
I know I have let my heart go unchecked for too long, I have used being tired and weary as an excuse for myself to not take care of the wrong thoughts and attitudes that have crept into my life. I feel ashamed even to admit it and like you said, it has caused me to really hate myself in the process. Part of me feel like too much of a failure but then another part of me has hope! God has not given up on me and our ministry. I need to run to Him and not the other way! I am tired of living in doubt and discouragement! I am so thankful for God's grace and faithfulness. Thank you again. :)
Today's your day. I hope the Lord uses this prompting in your life and that you allow Him to do what He needs to do in your heart. When we lose our lives to Him, we really find life!
Thanks for this encouragement, isn't it true as Jesus said about sin, '
its what comes out of our heart that makes us unclean, 'Mk7.. how hearts unchecked lead us into doubting our calling and very love for Jesus. I struggle with being discontent, dreaming up scenarios like your dream house in Texas, harmless enough at that instant, yet later on I am resentful at my husband or church 'duties' .. getting angry at random people or objects. Praise Jesus he transforms us, and we can run to his truth and freedom, away from sin which just deceptively ensnares. Lis
Oh how I can relate as a church planter's wife! I would have went AWOL long ago without Jesus.
Oh how I can relate as a church planter's wife! I would have went AWOL long ago without Jesus.
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