I love Annie Garman's writing. She and her husband Colby have, through random circumstances, become friends of ours. Annie and Colby serve at Pillar Church in Dumfries, Virginia, which is just outside of D.C. Pillar is doing some incredible work in strategizing to reach the D.C. area with the gospel. You can find Annie online here.
I had only been married and in ministry for a total of 4
weeks when our senior pastor told us we were going to our first ministry
conference. I remember feeling like I was faking it or something; I had barely started at this new
role…was I really in need of a conference to “revive my weary spirit?”
The conference ended up being a great way for us to get to
know the senior pastor and his wife and (preemptively) fill up on
encouragement. Most of the
conference teemed with timeless wisdom we desperately needed. One particular session, though, I will
never forget.
It was a “women’s only” break-out session, and the speaker
had silver hair that spoke of her seasoned perspective and experience. This particular pastor’s wife warned us
to be careful not to get too close to other women in their congregation. Such behavior could be
detrimental. After all, we were
the pastor’s wives…we needed to protect our husband’s reputation.
I was stunned.
If keeping a safe, healthy distance from people was what was
expected from me in my new job, I didn’t know if I could do it. I had always been very open with
people, transparent about my struggles, and vulnerable to a fault.
Luckily there were other women in the room who challenged
this woman’s advice during a “Q & A” time at the end. I listened to their critiques, the back
and forth dialogue, and stored it all away in my heart, wondering if the issue
would come up in the future.
It didn’t take long.
At almost every turn on this journey, I have had to make a
choice. Will I find some trusted
people to confide in when I’m struggling or will I care more about keeping up appearances and struggle alone?
The times I’ve believed that I can’t show weakness have been
the loneliest and darkest times.
The times I’ve shared with select people how I’m REALLY doing have
resulted in life-giving conversations that have ministered deeply to both
parties.
Of course, there were times I felt NOBODY on earth could
understand. Perhaps I was
right. Maybe there were some
things that were unique to my experience and my marriage. But I also came to realize the truth
that “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity.”
(I Corinthians 10:13 HCSB). The Message sums it up well: “No test or
temptation that comes your way is beyond
the course of what others have had to face.”
Just because we’re pastor’s wives doesn’t mean we’re
subhuman. We experience many of
the same emotions, dips, and challenges that the women in our church face. Pretending that we’re above those
things puts us on an unnecessary pedestal, too far from the hearts of those we
seek to reach. Besides, I’m sure
it could get lonely up there.
So, should we share everything with
everyone?
It depends.
I think we can be real with everyone about our weaknesses, paving the
way for honest dialogue about sin and Jesus. Additionally, because of the nature of ministry, I think
pastor’s wives should have a few friends who she can share deeply personal
things without fear. These friends
can be in the church or from a different church.
But what if your struggle involves your
husband?
Again,
having a trusted friend or two in your life with whom you can share ANYTHING
(“I just want to stick a fork in his EYE!!”) without being judged, who will
point you back to Jesus, is vital to a pastor’s wife. Even if that person IS in your church.
“Won’t sharing about my struggle hurt
the ministry?”
If it does,
then your ministry is superficial.
People need to see that the pastor and his wife are real people, not
plastic. They need to see that
everyone struggles with sin, that occasionally we all fall, and—for that very
reason-- Jesus is to be treasured
more and more.
Yes, yes, and yes! Thank you, Annie, for the encouragement to be vulnerable with a safe few. Readers, how to you practice intentionality and vulnerability with others?
