Over coffee and blossoming
friendship, Susan and I shared our stories, our fears, and the victories we’ve
experienced in Christ. Just before I had to leave, I remembered that a specific
decision was weighing on her and asked about it: “Have you made a decision
about your kids and school?”
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| This post is a good excuse for a cute first day of school picture, don't you think? |
She nodded, indicating that
they had decided to make a change. I could tell she felt a little
uncomfortable, nervous even, and I knew why. Our kids go to school together. We
were alike, and her decision was about to make us different. Would I receive
that as an indictment about my own choice?
Susan is a woman of deep
faith, and I knew that she had sought the Lord’s direction through prayer for
many months. “That’s wonderful,” I said, “I am so happy for you that God has
made it clear!”
There was a time, however,
when I struggled when others in our church made choices different than my own.
I worried that I was not spiritual enough or that others were judging me or
that perhaps I was actually missing what God was saying to me. I wrestled
in prayer, rehashing over and over with God what He had already laid out clear.
This discomfort with
differences and resulting division is, unfortunately, not unusual among women
in the church. And our greatest struggles and misunderstandings are typically
concerned with open-handed issues, such as education choices, working/non-working
choices, financial choices, and parenting practices. As a result, we
self-divide, huddling into groups that share our convictions and can best
relate to us. We create further division when we evaluate and judge others
based upon our convictions.
This is dangerous for the
church and not at all biblical. In my own season of struggle over these issues,
I discovered an incredibly helpful framework in Romans 14 for how to relate to
all women in the church regarding open-handed issues.
The basic framework is
based on three main truths:
- Truth
#1: The grace of Christ allows for differences on open-handed issues. We
don’t all have to do everything the same way. (vs. 1-4)
- Truth
#2: Each of us lives by faith as unto the Lord. We will account only to
God for how we lived. (vs. 5-10)
- Truth #3: In the end, the kingdom of God has little to do with open-handed matters. It is instead about righteousness, peace, and joy in the Spirit. The one who focuses on these things is approved by God and man. (vs. 17-18)
How do we then apply this
framework as we relate to other women in the church? Paul, also in Romans 14,
gives us practical commands:
- Don't
judge others who think differently on open-handed issues. Trust God to
lead that person. (vs. 12-13)
- Don't
worry about what others are doing. Focus on what God wants for you,
because you will one day stand accountable to Him for these things. (vs.
10)
- That
said, consider others. If your conviction causes grief or causes another
to stumble, you aren't walking in love. In other words, don’t flaunt your
freedom. Don't destroy another person for the sake of your conviction.
Don't put your conviction above love. (vs. 15-22)
- Pursue
conversation and activity which makes for peace and edification, not
division. (vs. 19)
- Don't
self-condemn because someone else has a different conviction by faith.
(vs. 22)
- Whatever
you do, it must be from faith (not fear) or it is sin. (vs. 23)
- Edify
one another in their choices according to faith, even those different than
your own. (15:1-2)
- Don't separate from others with different convictions. Receive one another just as Christ received both the circumcised and the Gentile. (15:7-9)
As I began to personally
meditate on the truths of Romans 14, focus on following God’s leading in my own
family by faith, and seek to edify and understand the women around me, I
experienced the freedom and joy of living as unto God rather than being
concerned with what everyone else was doing. He released me from
self-condemnation.
This same freedom is
available to women in our churches as we cross false boundaries, champion one
another’s faith, and focus on what is truly at the heart of the kingdom of God.
This is how love abounds among both “Jew” and “Gentile”.
*shared with Susan's permission :)
22 comments:
Really love this post! Thanks so much for your nudge towards encouraging us towards freedom in Christ, not sameness, meaning all the same decisions, in Christ.
Yes. No judging, let others be true to themselves the way I am true to what God is telling me. Very good!
Thank you so much for this post, Christine! I think one of the most difficult aspects for some (often myself included) is accepting that we don't all have to make the same decisions on open-handed issues. It's such a freeing feeling to be able to rejoice with those who were given clear direction by the Lord, even if it's not the path we have chosen for ourselves.
I know this is a question that is not related to the heart of this post (which I love)--but would there be any chance you would be willing to share your heart behind your family's schooling choice? My husband and I are entering a decision-making season regarding out son's education---we are seeking the Lord and wisdom from others. We do not have a clear direction right now. However, it has been so helpful and encouraging to hear the heart behind the decision-making processes of others. I know that can be a loaded question. I do not intend it to be. This has just been a real struggle for us and seems like such a big decision. I appreciate your wisdom as you share it through all of your posts. I also deeply appreciate your transparency and Your heart for the Lord. I am always challenged and encouraged toward the Lord in reading your blog. Thank you.
great post! I've often found myself justifying our decisions in our parenting journey to friends who I know think and do things differently. So good to know that we find freedom in His way for our lives, not in our way for our/ lives or His way for other's lives. Thanks x
Kristine,
I am happy to share. This is probably a better face-to-face conversation, but I'll share briefly how we got to this point:
1) My oldest son has special needs. Public schools by far have the most resources (speech, occupational therapy, resource teachers, social skills groups) for children like him. We didn't think twice about putting him in school for those reasons.
2) The question came up for us more when our second son started school. We prayed for many months about it and my husband and I both felt God was leading us to continue what we were doing.
3) Our school is a good school, which helps the decision. That said, it is a yearly discussion. My son is going into middle school next year so we will be looking at every possibility. I think the conclusion I came to a few years ago is this: do I have a heart that is open to obey God in however He leads us? I had to push some fear out of the way, listen to Him, trust He would speak, and say yes to the question I just posed before He answered.
4) I never want to make decisions out of fear, whether it's fear of the world or fear of man.
5) We have always said that if our kids are going to be in a public school, we are going to do everything we can to be a blessing to that school. We love the staff, teachers, parents, and other kids at our school and we are very involved. I am in classrooms. I am on the PTO. I have a relationship with teachers and principals. We know kids' names and other parents. We seek out ways to bless and serve there (our church also meets at the school). What we've found is that the school and staff have been as much of a blessing to us as we've tried to be to them. Involvement is the key to public school, I think.
6) I read a book called "Going Public" (I have also read homeschool books to get that perspective). The philosophy behind that book is that you want your kids to be experiencing the world while they're still in your home so that you can talk about things with them and help them discern/gain wisdom/know truth. I resonate with that philosophy and we have indeed had conversations about things based on stuff happening at school.
7) We are intentional about teaching our children the Bible and pursuing friendships for them that are godly friendships.
I hope that helps. If anything else comes to mind, I'll write more :)
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This is such a great post! I don't have kids yet, but growing up in a homeschool family, I'be seen the division and tension first hand. Even now I see it over differences in birth control choices and decisions about when is the right time to have kids. Thanks for writing this post. It is so love and grace and truth filled. It really blessed and challenged me!
Alesha <3
Thanks, Alesha!
This was a very good post, Christine. I feel like women so easily become uncomfortable around other women who make different decisions. If I tell new friends about teaching childbirth classes, so many women become defensive about their births when I'm not judging! Schooling choices have been the same way. Thanks for sharing your wisdom in this area.
Thanks, friend! And thanks for sharing your experience.
While I do think educational choice is something open, I really believe that the Bible doesn't leave working/non-working open-handed (of course their is grace in extenuating circumstances). Hoping I don't get flamed for this, but I feel like the Bible is clear about toward Whom, whom, what, and where we are to be oriented. In the American church, I don't observe many living in obedience to that. Who is getting our best hours and service? I don't say this with a desire to judge, but can we just be clear about what the Bible says? I feel like we often bend the Word to our will. But thankfully, God is gracious and each is judged according to the measure they are given, not by the measure of those around them.
When I use the word open-handed, I mean issues not related to salvation. Working and non-working issues are not related to salvation, and I respectfully disagree that the Bible is clear about the working issue. The example of the ideal woman, Proverbs 31, describes a woman with her own business. That said, it is my conviction that it is ideal for a woman to be at home with her children. This, however, is not the heart of the post. The heart of the post is, "How will we relate to women in our church who hold differing convictions on open-handed issues?" So I would ask you to consider how you will relate in grace to those in your church who are working.
I began to consider this because there are several women in our church who have to work. They are single moms or their visas require them to work. How do I relate to them in grace? It's much too easy to not interact with them because I cannot relate to their situations. That is the heart of the post and the heart of the struggle we often have as women in our churches.
Thank you for this post! It is something I struggle with, mostly comparing myself to others, worrying that I'm making the wrong decision. It is so sweet to realize through reading your words that if I, the pastor's wife, grow in freedom in this area I can have an influence on the women's culture in our church, showing others a "different way". I can't do that in my flesh, I need the daily reminder that Christ is my salvation and the power of the Holy Spirit.
Excellent post! It applies to all brothers and sisters in Christ, not just women or even mothers. We are meant to be the Body, as in a unified whole. It's not always easy when we have strong personal convictions, but the key is to remember that they are personal, unique to us. The closer I grow to Christ, the more I am learning to leave the convicting up to Him. Who am I to take on the role of Holy Spirit for another? :)
I really loved this article, shared it with another friend. She recently lost a friendship because this friend disagreed with her about a doctrine difference. It has broken her heart. Its really important to keep these things in mind when in a group of bible study ladies. We all come from different backgrounds. The timing for this is perfect. Our group is about to start back meeting again. I will be thinking and reading through Rms 14 beforehand.
That makes me sad for your friend.
You are right, these are things that can be sensitive in women's Bible studies. I thinks it's important to consider others in what we share and how we share in large groups of women. I have learned the hard way to be careful about pressing others to do what I do rather than encouraging them to seek the Lord themselves.
That phrase "Freedom in Christ" has been on my mind a lot lately, as freedom is not always what I feel in Christ. This was a convicting post.
I agree with this 1000%. Different isn't always wrong. It's just different.
Oh, thank you so much for sharing your heart on this!!! This really hits home- I've been struggling with comparing education choices with friends, especially sister in Christ!
This is such fantastic advice. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. Our plant endured painful conflict over open-handed issues last year, and my deepest desire for our women is to encourage one another in the Lord, regardless of our different choices and seasons in life. Obviously I am convinced about my own prayerful choices, otherwise I would not have made them, but I do not want to alienate other women just because the pastor's wife does "[blank]." God has used your blog and book to help me keep fighting the good fight, even if/when I am the object of another's scorn, so thank you for putting yourself out there.
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