February 28, 2014

An Important Question to ask Ourselves

What is your greatest insecurity? It's a good question to ask yourself, but it's not so easily answered. We are blind to ourselves, and even blind to our blindness. But observe yourself over a period of time and you'll discover the answer. What do others do that makes you irrationally emotional or angry? What takes the breath out of you? What are you afraid will crumple you for once and for all? Those are the self-protective fears that stand guard around your insecurities.

I've written several times this year about the fog I've been in, about how fear has been crippling, about how it's felt like a big blank space. I've walked through a hard season, but aside from feeling it, I haven't known why it's been hard or what God has been doing.

Well, I found out.
It turns out He's been trying to talk to me about my sin, and I haven't been listening. He's prodded, and I've turned away. He's used others, like Nathan to David, but I've shifted blame. I've been blind, but even worse, in my pride, I've been blind to my blindness.

God orchestrated a loud symphony of Scripture, Nathans, and circumstances so that I could no longer ignore it all. I confessed. I sorrowed. I received forgiveness. And I marveled at how blind I am capable of being when it comes to my own heart and my own pride.

What I've discovered is that my sin so closely connects to my insecurities. My knee-jerk reactions to my insecurities are typically sinful reactions, so I need to be spelling out to myself what frightens me most. It's sometimes painful and difficult to actually look that stuff in the face.

What frightens me most, the lie that my self-protective fears most closely guard, the lie I most quickly believe is this: I am a disappointment.

I go down at the slightest whiff of critique. I retreat from anyone who disagrees with me or who touches that sensitive area. I close off from others when I'm feeling that I disappoint them or might possibly disappoint them. I am afraid to try new things or fail because I risk the lie coming true.

The result: pride, isolation, hurting others, and making assumptions of others that might not be true.

While I thought the fog and the fear were just God wanting me to wait, it has actually been a hovering cloud of disappointment following me around. And I've believed everything. I've hurt others. I've struggled. All while walking blindly in lies upon lies, never seeing reality for what it was.

God is gracious, and others have been gracious, but I have so far to go. I thank God that according to Truth, I am not a disappointment to Him. I thank God that He's not done with me yet. I thank God that He's able to change me. And, most of all, I thank God that He's loving enough to convict, discipline, and transform me.

I think, however, it's an important question to keep at the forefront of our minds: What is my greatest insecurity? Because our sin will follow closely behind.