BP: Obviously the biggest aspect of freedom is what I mentioned
earlier – knowing Jesus. The best thing parents can do is present Jesus to kids
personally. This means exemplifying
grace and speaking of your own relationship with Jesus. PKs don’t need lessons.
They need living proof that Jesus is great and close.
Another big piece of freedom and wholeness is the freedom to
be themselves. This means that parents can work hard to ease the burden of
expectations. You can help your kids learn what it is they love and are good at
and help them see those things as gifts God gave them (as opposed to pushing
them toward ministry).
Give them room to ask questions, and even encourage it.
Indoctrination will do more harm than good in the end whereas honest conviction
will do great good in helping your kids come into their own faith.
The biggest piece of this is overwhelming grace. PKs need it
because too often they don’t receive it from those in the church. They need it
because they will screw up. They need it because it points them to Jesus.
Q: What are common
statements or actions that moms and dads say or do that are detrimental to
their PKs?
BP: A big one is the heaping on of expectations the PKs already
feel. They know they are being watched and expected to behave better than other
kids so to say things like “Now we’re going into church; make sure you’re on
your best behavior, people are watching us” is just piling on. Make sure they
know that the standard for behavior is honoring Jesus and loving others –
period. Being a PK neither adds or subtracts from that.
Another significant one is giving your kids the impression
ministry is the highest calling. Don’t put pressure on them, either tacitly or
explicitly, to go into ministry.
Don’t preach at them. Don’t Bible lesson them. They need counselors,
confidants, and conversations. PKs need to connect with their parents, not just
hear from them. Build relationships with your kids that surpass the sharing of
morals and information.
Q: How can moms of PKs
help their children develop a personal faith and a genuine love for the Lord
and for the church?
BP: The biggest thing is having
a personal faith and living it so your kids see it. They need to see your
patience, grace, and peace. And of course you will fail because you are human
and being a mom is hard. So then they
need to see you repent and ask forgiveness. This might be even bigger than
getting it right the first time. It sets a precedent of forgiveness both from
God and within the family. That helps make God accessible and personal.
Q: Pastor's wives are
often acutely aware of church members' expectations but perhaps aren't as aware
of the pressures their children face as PKs. Help us understand those outside
pressures and how we can ease them for our children.
BP: I suspect the pressures on Pastor’s wives are similar to
those of PKs, so if you take what you feel and think about that placed on a
12-year-old you have a decent sense of things. They feel the need to be better
behaved, more attentive, and have all the answers. They know that everyone is
watching. They feel the tensions when things aren’t going well at the church
(even if you don’t talk to them about it; kids are really perceptive). They often feel the confusion of not being
sure what they believe or of having doubts.
A big thing moms can do to ease these burdens for their kids
is to talk through them. Help them see that you know their frustrations and are
with them. Give them a safe place to
vent and sort through stuff. And give them the stability of love so they know
you are always in their corner. Sometimes this means pep talks, sometimes and
encouraging or challenging conversation, and sometimes it means just listening.
Moms are usually really good at knowing which is needed.
Q: What are the very
best things your mom did to help you navigate your world as a PK?
BP: My mom was not the “feely” type, so we didn’t talk through
the frustrations much. But what she did remarkably well was to be rock steady.
Her demeanor, no matter how things went at church (and there were some hard
stretches) stayed the same. She created an environment in our home of calm,
well, as much calm as a family of seven could have.
The other significant thing she did was to never, ever badmouth
my dad, the church, or the ministry. While, it might have been nice to hear
from her heart about frustrations it was significant to see her stand with my
dad in his calling no matter what. Negativity and second-guessing in the home
make things brutal for PKs, and we had none of that.
Barnabas Piper writes for World Magazine and blogs at barnabaspiper.com. He writes regularly for the popular blog, The Blazing Center. He and his wife live in the Nashville area with their two daughters. Grab a copy of The Pastor's Kid on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.
