How do you see God using you and your spiritual
gifts to edify the Body? How do you see Him using your singleness as a means of
edifying the Body?
I ask the question: what’s in my hand? and then I use it. Where there
are needs I can meet, I meet them. I serve in our connections ministry, as a
covenant membership affirmation leader, and our repentance and reconciliation
ministry—all places where I was profoundly affected by the gospel when I first
came to our church.
I’ve also found rich blessings and deep wrestling in my living
situation. I don’t want to wait for marriage to begin caring for and
shepherding in my home, so I live with four girls all younger than me. We live
very simply and intentionally in our home—it is not perfect, but it is a
peaceful place. We pray for one another, ask hard questions, keep accountable,
confess, laugh, and share life together. Maybe it’s my way of being set in a
family, but I think it’s also God’s way. The mark of Jesus’ ministry on earth
was one of hospitality, inviting others in, instead of closing them out.
Singleness gives me the opportunity to live my entire life like that.
What are hindrances or challenges that single women
face as they attempt to use their spiritual gifts in the local church?
One thing I love about my church regarding women is our leadership
intentionally says, “We want to find every
opportunity to say yes to you, instead of every reason to say no.” I find
it to be the same with singles.
The challenges for me are
primarily internal. I disqualify myself before even asking the question, and I
find it very common among single men and women. This is part of the fall, but
it’s also part of a culture speaking so highly of marriage, and giving so much
air time to it; singles can feel like an afterthought. It doesn’t help that
there are two caricatures given to singles (the man-boy and the
embittered-girl) that aren’t explicitly debunked within the local church. There
are plenty of articles about it, but on the ground, within the local church,
those caricatures should be identified for what they are: exaggerations of
things we already know need to be submitted to Christ.
How can church leaders help single women walk in
their gifts in the church? How can they elevate the gift and calling of
singleness?
The truth is there are few who have been called to a life of singleness,
or have the gift of singleness as Paul talked about it. But another truth
severely misunderstood in Church culture is that whatever my portion for today
is, that is God’s gift to me. It isn’t that he’s given the gift of marriage to
others, and I’m the giftless kid in the corner. Today my gift is singleness. There’s a rhetoric in
Church culture that assumes every single is waiting to be married, which may be
true in some respects, but it doesn’t help us to treasure these days as the
gift they are. In order for us to know these days are a gift, though, we have
to see singles being utilized as they are,
not waiting for a future version of them to materialize through marriage.
Another way is to simply pastor your single women well. We obviously
don’t have husbands, and many of us don’t have fathers or brothers taking an
active interest in our lives. Don’t be afraid of us, we’re not the Proverbs
7:10 woman, and if you treat us like we are, you’re perpetuating the problem. I
have four pastors/elders at my church who press toward me, ask me hard
questions, point out sin when they see it; they are utterly unimpressed with me
and unintimidated by my gender. They see me as a person and pastor me as such.
What do married women in the church need to know
about single women in the church that would help cultivate community and unity?
Everyone is waiting for something. One of the sad sides of social media
is it can send the message that we have everything we want: husband, kids,
house, vacation, etc. One of the most life-changing things my married sisters
have done for me is let me enter into their brokenness, their waiting. Barrenness, husbands who
struggle to lead well, wives who struggle to submit well, kids who challenge
them, no time for quiet, etc.. I’ve learned as I’ve entered into their waiting
with them—praying with them, rejoicing with them, mourning with them—that we
are not so different after all.
How can married women in the church encourage single
women specifically in their singleness?
We want you to help us! I know that might sound overwhelming to a young
mother with three kids and a tired, hardworking husband, but sometimes we need
you in our corner entering into the work of dating. Even if nothing comes of
your matchmaking efforts, it is such a comfort to know we are thought of in
that respect.
Another thing that helps is when your husbands are in our corners too.
Prolonged singleness can lead to a severe lack of balance in male/female
relationships. I’m not in college or a young adult ministry, so having strong
men around me has to take a very intentional ask from me. It means so much to
us when godly, trustworthy men care for us. There seems to be much fear (and
perhaps rightfully so) about the possibility of sexual transgression, but when
that drum is beaten, it sends the message to single women that we are dangerous
or all men are predators. That’s not true of the men in my life and they know
it’s not true of me—but the only way we can know that is to enter into true
communion. Married women help us by trusting us to receive counsel and
leadership from their husbands. This takes deep intentionality on the parts of
all parties. It is work, yes, but it is a worthwhile work.
You wrote
an ebook, A Single
Serving. Why did you write it, and what are
the main points you hope readers take away?
I compiled the book after an article I wrote at Christianity Today on the subject
seemed to resonate with so many. I tapped those leaders to contribute because
I’ve seen them leading in wise, capable, and profound ways not in spite of
their singleness, but because of their singleness. The caricature that single
guys are man-boys playing video games and watching porn, and single girls are
bitter and desperate for their Prince Charming is just not the case from what
I’ve seen. Nearly every unmarried person I know is fighting the fight well,
with purpose and integrity, joy and hard work. Are there some making unwise
choices with their time and minds? Yes. But it doesn’t help for me to call
attention to that ad nauseum. It is better for me to show them a better way.
That was my purpose for the ebook.
What are your greatest joys as a single woman in
your church?
Oh, goodness. I joy in the reality that today is a gift from God.
However I choose to spend or squander it, it’s his gift for his glory. I love
my life, though it is not the life I dreamed of, or even imagined at the
beginning of this year. God continually brings me through difficult seasons and
joy-filled seasons, and I don’t begrudge him at all. I have time to invest in
my home and my girls, friendships with married couples, friendships with guys,
working on time-consuming projects, studying God’s word, writing, speaking. Do
I pray he gives me the equal gift of marriage someday? Yes, absolutely. I long
to partner with a husband for the cause of the gospel. But I won’t wait until marriage to do the things I want
to do in marriage: practice
hospitality, generosity, care for our home and others. Those things start now
and I find rich joy in them.
You can connect with Lore on her blog, Sayable, or through Twitter. Her ebook, A
Single Serving, is available here.
