Summer is historically a time when the reality of a
transition sets in for many people due to new jobs, new locations, new schools,
different schools, and new or changing friendships. Transitions are never easy
and, when we watch how they affect our children, we feel the difficulty for
them as well as ourselves. How can we, as mothers, help our kids make
transitions? And what can we learn about ourselves in the process? Here’s what
I learned in the midst of our transition:
Take the Long View
With change, I know there will be a time of transition, but I
often don’t give myself grace when negative or uncertain emotions emerge. I’ve
been hyper-aware of this because I so often respond similarly to my children; I
expect them to move through a transition like our recent one with a positive
attitude and immediate acceptance of all the changes it brings for them. I’ve
discovered that I’m uncomfortable with negative emotions during a transition
because they feed my fear that we’ve made a bad choice, because I want to
protect my children from difficult moments, and because I’m typically dealing
with my own uncertainties. I made a conscious effort to think of our transition as a long transition rather than a short one, which was my way of
giving grace to myself and to my kids and of being open to the difficult days
that came and will surely come again.
Taking the long view of a transition not only helps us give
grace, but it helps us teach our kids how to give grace to themselves. I told
my children, “In this transition, you’ll have times where you don’t know what
to do and when you feel uncertain. That’s OK.” And then I gave them some ways
they could respond, whether to themselves, to other kids, or to me.
Help Kids Name Emotions
Every kid is different and their responses will be different to
the challenges of transition. One of my sons had more difficulty with our
schooling transition than the other two. The way he indicated his
nervousness, however, was difficult to recognize as nervousness. Instead
of typical nervousness, I saw a bad attitude and disrespectful behavior. A
wise mom in our church who I sought for help said, “He is nervous about the
change and this is how he’s showing it.” I knew immediately she was right. I
had been focusing on his behavior, but he really needed me to help him name and
respond to his emotions. He needed a compassionate mom who asked for and
listened to his true thoughts and feelings without frustration or fear.
Help Kids Answer
Questions About the Transition
Grandparents, family friends, and friends from church will be
eager to hear about the transition at a time when kids are experiencing a range
of emotions and are not eager to focus on it. Especially if they are reluctant
to talk about it, help them think of 2-3 things about the transition they’re
enjoying and prepare how they’ll talk about those 2-3 things.
Practice What You Can
Practice
Most of our difficulties with transitions come from unknowns;
we can’t imagine ourselves in our new house, new city, a new school, or with
new friends. The same goes for our children. How will I know how to get to my classes? Where can we play in our new
city? What if I don’t have any friends? It is vitally important that we
help our children practice and prepare for what we can. Does the new school
require uniforms? Practice putting on belts and tucking in shirts. Has a valued
friend moved away? Role play asking a new friend to play or to join them for
lunch.
Celebrate Victories
With so many challenges and unknowns to overcome in a
transition, it’s important to find reasons to celebrate victories,
accomplishments, and perseverance with our children. Celebrate a milestone in a
new city, a new friend made, a school achievement, or a willingness to try
something new with a surprise dessert or pointed words of encouragement. Our
family simply celebrated finishing the first week in our new school by having a
fun, kid-centric night out and talking through the highlights.
Ease up on Lesser
Priorities
A friend who went through a transition with her kids last year
gave me this advice: “Don’t push too many activities outside of school and
church. Your kids will need mental, physical, and emotional space as they
process this change.” I took her advice and found it extremely helpful in maintaining the sanity of our family as we all made the transition. We needed space to rest and process our emotions that
activity upon activity would have squeezed out.
Pray for Your Kids In
Front of Your Kids
There were times through our transition when I put on a
brave face for my kids but was inwardly wrestling with fear and doubt. As
I prayed about my own concerns, I recognized that I needed to be more open with
my kids about how I was handling the changes. They needed to hear me praying
for them and asking God to help us through our transition, primarily because it
would encourage them to trust God for help when they are uncertain. I began asking
them individually what they were concerned about and praying for them out loud.
This not only brought peace to our home but it strengthened my faith as well.
Transitions are difficult; there is just no way around it, and
we experienced it as a family this year. However, we've experienced something else. God taught and grew my children through the bittersweet blessing of
change. And, without a doubt, He taught and grew me, too.
