My husband and I have been in full-time
vocational ministry since the day we were married. People ask me what it’s like
to be a pastor’s wife, and I tell them I don’t know what it’s like to not be one. His calling colors every
part of my life in a way that’s difficult to explain and, in a way, difficult
to understand even for myself.
Some well-meaning people, wanting to ease
whatever pressure they imagine I feel, have cheerily explained to me how I am
no different than other women in the church and should not imagine I had to
“do” anything. During one such recent conversation, the well-meaning person was
interrupted twice as they were speaking: once by a volunteer who asked me to
pass along the visitor cards to my husband, and the second time by a new visitor
who “just had to meet the pastor’s wife” and had been pointed in my direction.
“As you were saying...” I said, hoping the irony had not been lost on them.
The
Difference Between Church Relationships and Friendships
The truth is that being the pastor’s wife is not
a biblically assigned role, nor is it a job, but on a weekly and even daily
basis every pastor’s wife must navigate social scenarios and church situations
that arise only because she’s married
to the pastor. I’ve mostly learned to embrace this, because I see how God has
given me influence and how I can use it to honor Him and bless others. But in
all my years as a pastor’s wife, by far the most difficult consequences of my
husband’s job to navigate have been friendship and social relationships.
Just recently, my husband told me we’d been
invited to dinner at someone’s home, and we discussed whether or not we could
commit to the date they’d offered. I felt immediately overwhelmed, because I
thought about the emails with similar requests waiting for a reply in my inbox.
I’m grateful for the invitations, and I also want to remain open-hearted to
everyone in our neighborhood, everyone in our community group, everyone on our
staff team, all the parents of the kids on our children’s sports teams, and everyone
in our church at large, but the deepest truth is that what I really want is friendship. I’m surrounded by lovely
people and countless relationships, but relationships don’t always equate to
friendship, and I tend to forget that.
Fellow pastor’s wives, we must have a hearty
understanding of what friendship actually is, because after years of ministry,
we tend to lose the ability to discern between a relationship and a friendship.
We may even feel as if we’ve lost ourselves or our ability to make friends
beneath the busyness of ministry. So let me remind us: Friendship always starts
with this idea of mutuality.
Many times, being open-hearted to others as the
pastor’s wife means being a listener and an initiator, two things I don’t mind
at all being. But friendship is not about
always listening or taking the lead; friendship is about mutuality.
I think back to the invitations in my inbox. Does
the woman inviting me to coffee need counsel or does she want to get to know
me as a person? Does the dinner invitation come from a place of desired friendship or from a place of pastoral need. I often don’t know until I’m sitting across the table from others. If there
are sparks of mutuality, in which I’m asked questions or there is some sort of
interest and care shown toward me as I do for another woman, I may have a potential
friend. And I thank God for those women: relationships that have evolved into friendships.
Take Risks
I can practically hear your rebuttal through the
computer screen: it’s not as easy or clear-cut as that. Yes, but having
discernment is the necessary first step toward friendship. We must allow
ourselves the freedom to distinguish friends among the many relationships we
have. We also cannot steward or pursue friendships we can’t even name. We are
limited people and must draw lines somewhere, whether it’s regarding our time,
our money, or our relationships.
If discernment is the first step, risk-taking is
the second. I hear from so many pastor’s wives who are desperate for
friendship: the mutual care, mutual conversation, mutual enjoyment, and mutual
initiation. Too often, however, they’ve been told they can’t have good friends
in the church, they’ve carefully crafted excuses that have only served to keep
them isolated, and they’ve been hurt--painfully, devastatingly hurt--in ways
they usually must keep silent about. Perhaps some have even heard from others
that they aren’t allowed to have friends, because it might be showing
favoritism within the church. All of these sentiments have made us fearful of
taking risks.
For the pastor’s wife, pursuing friendship can
absolutely feel risky. What if the friend ends up leaving the church? What if
she shares a confidence? What if she doesn’t reciprocate vulnerability because
she fears the pastor finding out? What if the friend won’t understand what
ministry demands of our time?
But taking risks is worth it, even if some of our
fears come true. We need friends in
order to help us grow, to carry our burdens as we carry theirs, to help us be
whole people who are not stuck in ministry-mode all the time. The benefits of
finding friends far outweigh the risks.
To take the risk means being a consistent
initiator. I long ago had to get over the fact that I have to be the initiator
most of the time. Nursing bitterness about this does nothing to help me make
friends. And, anyway, I’ve found that the treasures are often hidden from plain
sight: they are women who have a natural empathy for me in my role and don’t
want to impose. I can tell from my interactions with them that I really like
them, and so I invite them to my home or to coffee, planning ahead with those I
want to cultivate friendship with before all the church activities fill the
calendar.
Pastor’s wife, friendship is possible. And not
only is it possible, but it’s necessary. You may navigate social situations
that others don’t, but in every believer’s need for life-giving friendships,
you are no exception. Take the risk and initiate today.
Want More? Here's an Additional Resource for the Pastor's Wife on Friendship:
I recently chatted with Kathy Litton from NAMB about navigating the combination of ministry and friendship. Click on the image to listen.
