When Strengths are a Weakness

I awoke this past Sunday morning with a sense of dread. I knew the day would be full of conversations, details to remember and ask about, a meeting or two, and, of course, parenting my boys and preparing a menu for the week and other assorted household duties, and I just didn’t feel I had the stamina for it all. Life has been busy lately and I find myself searching desperately for solitude.

As much as I wish I weren’t, I’m an introvert. Too many people in a day or too many evenings in a week given to events or activities and I’m spent. Waking on Sunday, this is what I attributed my dread to, knowing that to get through the day I’d need to push myself outward and do some things I just didn’t want to do.

 

But in the early morning hours, wrapping my hands around the warm coffee cup, God asked me to consider a different source of my dread, something beyond just my need for introspection and quietness. Perhaps, He said, you dread being with people today because you fear being a disappointment to them. And you also fear being a disappointment to yourself. Of course He was right, so right that it almost shocked me to see it so clearly. Why yes, that’s it exactly.

I had to ask myself a few questions, one being primary: What did I mean when I told myself that I’m not a good pastor’s wife? I feel this way because I’m not an extrovert or because I’m tired and needy, because I’m not good at small talk or because I can’t handle one more thing. My capacity is only so much, but for some reason, I always think it should be more. In my mind I should always be what I’m not and what I actually am is not good enough.

These days come when I’m tired and need time to reflect and recharge, which is quite ironic.  Instead of embracing who I am and embracing what I need, I fight against it by pushing myself more. It's a deadly cycle.

I doubt I’m the only one who does this. It seems it’s an innate fleshly drive in women to always try to be something we aren’t.

Isn’t this applicable to other areas of life? Like parenting, for instance. When we tell ourselves we are bad moms (or am I the only one?), yet it is just a general feeling and not an actual conviction from God, what are we saying? We’re measuring ourselves next to some sort of unattainable standard or we’re comparing ourselves to the strengths and gifts in other mothers. We’re saying that our strengths are weaknesses and our weaknesses should be our actual strengths.

  

The trouble is we assign different values to various personality traits and abilities so, instead of simply being faithful with the strengths we’ve been given, we think we have to have every strength and no weaknesses or God can’t use us. And when we fall or a weakness comes through, we immediately say to ourselves, “I am a bad (fill-in-your-blank).”

What would happen, I wonder, if we embraced our strengths and our weaknesses? What if we didn’t try to push ourselves through our weaknesses but focused instead on being good stewards of our strengths?

I went to church that day with a full awareness that I’m weak in a lot of ways, but that, yes, God is using my strengths. I don’t have to be what someone else is or do what someone else does to be considered a good pastor’s wife. In the eyes of others, this may make me a bad pastor’s wife, and I just might end up being a disappointment to them. But in God’s eyes, I am a “good” pastor’s wife when I acknowledge my weaknesses and focus on faithfully using the strengths He’s given me.

There's freedom in that. And there's freedom that because of the cross, because God sees Christ when He looks at us (if we are in Him), we are never a disappointment to the One who matters most.

What are your strengths as a minister and leader, a wife, and a mom? How are you faithfully stewarding those strengths today?

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When You Want to Succeed

To be very honest, I've been nervous about actually writing my heart out here in this space again. The past few weeks have been a marketing whirlwind surrounding the book, so I've done the requisite posts about it, and, all-in-all, this book release has just kind of thrown me off. I haven't written something fresh here because I just haven't had much to say, much energy to think, and, really, my brain's been so overloaded that I've had trouble spelling simple words correctly as I've pounded out emails.

But I've also been nervous to come back to this space, this big white empty space calling for real and wise words, because I know right now I don't have real and wise words to offer. I only have a mass of emotion roiling the innermost parts of me. The events of the past few weeks, preceded by the pursuit of getting published these past few years, have come together at this minute in time to form a mirror reflecting my heart back to me.

There is the gratefulness, the overwhelming wonder at having been given such a long-desired gift. There is a recognition of God's goodness. There is a feeling of being carried along on the waves of grace.

But there is more there in the mirror. The hands snatching the Father's gift, clutching it to my side, and re-labeling it as my own accomplishment. The eyes turning away from Him and turning instead to myself and what I want. Oh how quickly does the current of grace grow still and stagnant under my fretfulness and greediness regarding the future.

What I'm really seeing in the mirror is a wrestling match over success: What is it and how is it defined? Or rather, who will define it? If it's defined by Amazon rankings and Twitter mentions, I am successful in one hour but not the next. If it's defined by a book contract, then I may not be successful in the future so I better clutch this fleeting success while I can hold it in my hands. If it's defined by me, than I'm distilled down into whatever I can do or accomplish.

I'm learning this the hard way, people. That's what I'm trying to say here.

But, Praise Jesus, I am not the definer of success. Praise Jesus, He has jumped into the ring this week and called the match in my heart with a resounding shout. I am not defined--and neither is my success--by anything else than that beloved voice. I say that now and will need to say it to myself in the next hour and tomorrow, too.

So what is success? How does that beloved voice define it? He has said that, in His eyes, success is faith and love and a life lived in worship. He has said that the greatest are the ones who rush to serve, and not just to serve, but to serve the least among us. He has also said that we are successful when our hearts are fully His.

I wonder, do you, too? Do you wrestle with success, this turbulent fight to define it by either self-elevation or God-glory? Do you sit in the big, white space of your life and wonder if you're filling it up with real and wise living?

The richness of God-defined success comes in the realization that no matter who we are or what we do, we are wildly successful if we do what we do to honor God. No matter if the day or year's greatest accomplishments are caring for a sick parent who no longer speaks or mothering babies who cannot say thank you or toiling away at a thankless job or sacrificing for a husband who doesn't see. Let us see the glorious truth that faith and love and service as worship are the things that make us great.

I'm learning this the hard way, people. That's what I'm trying to say here.

This is a time that makes it all clear for me. I have achieved some small semblance of worldly success, and, yes, I'm truly enjoying that. But success will be my failure if I re-enter the wrestling ring, if I myself attempt to define what God has already defined for me.

Oh Lord, keep my heart. Keep all our hearts. Keep us all where we can hear Your beloved voice defining our success.

--
Related writing posts that speak this same heart (and spoke to my heart):

Ann Voskamp on Writing
Shauna Niequist on Why We Write
A sermon by Bill, a pastor at our church, on pride

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One Sure Way

There is one sure way to wither up and die, one sure way to be drained completely of joy and motivation, one sure way to move about aimlessly, one sure way of thoughts and emotions getting twisted.

There is one sure way to become tumbleweed driven and beaten by the world's wind or driftwood going where the water of life takes you.

There is one sure way of forgetting who you are and what you're here for, forgetting that blessings are not meant to be burdens, forgetting what are the most important things.

We only have to stop giving ourselves to the Word. We only have to stop digging and meditating and craving and holding it as a mirror to our souls.

And how many of us have? Many, if the statistics are to be believed.

I was once in that statistic myself until just a few years ago. Now, I know in the minds of most, pastors' wives are mythical creatures who do everything right, but I am not one of them. I spent over a decade of my life as a disciple of Christ flirting with the idea of consistent time in the Word. And some of those years (too many) were years that I was also a pastor's wife.

And to be honest, I was not all that concerned about it. I wished, of course, that I was more consistent, but as long as I had my Bible study lesson completed or my discipleship material prepared, I generally felt I had done enough.

Looking back on those years, I recognize a woman easily affected by emotions, tossed and battered by the circumstances of life. I also recognize my obligatory perspective on the Word: reading it is something a good Christian does, and it's good to know for ministry purposes what the Bible says.

I was withering away and didn't know it, unable to see how my convenience food diet had weakened my faith, my mind, and my ministry.

Church planting shook me to the core. I could no longer be tossed around by my emotions when my everyday thoughts were full of discouragement and doubt. I could no longer respond to the circumstances of life with a self pep talk when I had nothing of value to offer myself. And when I retreated to food or t.v. or sleep, things I thought would feed my soul, they only left me unsatisfied and numb.

Where else could I go but to the Word of life, to the Words of life? When I knew my desperate need, the Bible rose to meet me with hope, truth, joy, motivation, and conviction. Through it, God set my feet on a firm foundation and gave me tools to fight the fiery arrows flying my way. In the Word, my faith became strong.

There is one sure way to grow up strong, one sure way to be filled completely with joy and motivation, one sure way to move about purposefully, one sure way of thoughts and emotions gathering around truth.

There is one sure way to become an oak tree planted firm, undaunted by the world's wind of confusion and deceit.

There is one sure way of remembering who you are and what you're here for, remembering that blessings are not meant to be burdens, remembering what are the most important things.

And there is one sure way of bearing fruit in ministry.

We only have to give ourselves to the Word. 

Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper. Psalm 1:1-3

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Of the Day

In 1997, I attended the first ever Passion conference in Austin, Texas. There, I heard John Piper speak for the first time, and I recall having to pay very close attention to his words so as to understand what this whole "Christian hedonism" idea was all about. Aside from Dr. Piper, I also discovered Christy Nockels, Charlie Hall, and other worship leaders that still impact me today. The conference was life changing in many ways, full of mind-searing moments.

One such moment: Louie Giglio, at the end of his talk exhorting us to be a generation that would live for God's renown, asked if we might be willing to die for Christ, to literally give our lives for Him. I stood with others, agreeing that I would. I stood because I desperately wanted to do big things for God, and I imagined that physical death on behalf of Christ was about the biggest thing I could do for Him.

It wasn't difficult to stand, however, because, for me, martyrdom was a lofty ideal; I doubted I would ever be asked to make good on that promise.

But the fact is that I have had to make good on that promise. I have not been in a country closed to the gospel where I've had to affirm my faith at risk of my physical life. If I ever am in that situation, I pray that I would speak for my Savior.

I have come to realize, however, that following Christ means that I deny myself and any self-authority, that I die a spiritual death and allow Jesus to live His life through me. Maybe, just maybe, that was the real question I was answering that day: Will I know death for the sake of Christ while my physical heart keeps beating? 

Isn't this doing something big for God? Crucifying our worldly ambitions and our fleshly desires so that Jesus might live His life through us? Our ideas of big things for God too often mirror worldly success: numbers, followers, crowds, money, applause. God's ideas of big things simply mirror Jesus: humility, service, sacrifice for others, single-minded focus, submission to the Father.

This is the power of the current moment, of the day, of the present: we can do big things for God a thousand times a day. In the acts done toward Him and for His pleasure ("as unto Him")--when we grieve with those who grieve, when we train our children, when we worship alone, when we speak truth to those who won't want to hear, when we sacrifice to provide for the orphan, when we show respect to a husband who neglects, when we carry out the mundane tasks of homemaking, when we make a connection with a neighbor--we actually become a living sacrifice. A death while the heart beats.

This is good news for us, women of no worldly success or influence, because the things we do each day, if done after our spiritual resurrection, these small things, these building blocks, add up to a life that matters to God. There is no hierarchy of success, where those who make big splashes in Christendom earn more of God's pleasure. He simply gives differing gifts. No, there is only one thing that separates: the answer to the question. Are we willing to die for Christ?

As we die daily, when we offer our lives as living sacrifices, the small things become the big.

Do you see your normal, everyday life as doing something big for Christ? 

---
For further reading, read Luke 9:23-25 and check out "The Weight of Glory" essay in C.S. Lewis' The Weight of Glory.

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Ministry Is Not a Formula

Despite what you may have been told, ministry does not happen through a certain strategy or step-by-step model. We must not be fooled or deceived to think ministry happens according to a business paradigm or a perfectionist's checklist because, if we subscribe to ministry as strategy, it becomes a pressurized situation in which we must produce results at measurable intervals. The question, then, must be asked: does the Spirit have room to move in our strategies? Does He even actually go near to our strategies?

Ministry is like life: it is not a formula.

Ministry happens only in relationships, the primary one being the relationship of the minister to her Savior, in which she comes to know the intricate details of her Savior and the grace and truth that flow from His lips. Out of this quiet, unseen fellowship, something supernatural happens. She is changed as she hears the voice of her Beloved, and she is compelled by His love to engage in outside relationships.

Once the minister has known the intimacy of the Savior, she cannot help but seek that intimacy for others. She receives ministry through relationship with Him, and then she ministers through relationships. Not activities, not events, not conferences, although these are all good things. Ministry happens through messy, organic, give and take relationships, in which we give one another the truth and grace that we are receiving from our primary relationship.

And in interacting with people--living with them, bearing their burdens, listening to their doubts and heartaches, seeing the brokenness of the world--something supernatural happens. The minister recognizes her inability to rescue or save or transform or make people whole, and she runs back to the One who does the actual ministry on behalf of His people.

Though it is simple, it is difficult to resist the feeling that we, as ministers, should be doing more, planning more, leading more events, or even imitating what others are doing in their ministries. If we don't resist formulaic ministry, we will quickly drift from the center, from real-world ministry.

In regards to our primary relationship, Hudson Taylor, in Intimacy with Jesus, writes:

The intense activity of our times may lead us to be zealous in service but neglect personal intimacy with God. This neglect will not only lower the value of the service, but disable us for the highest service. We must never forget that what we are is more important than what we do; that all fruit born when we're not abiding in Christ is fruit of the flesh, not of the Spirit.

He goes on to describe the natural outflow of intimacy with God:

Because she is one with the Good Shepherd, her heart goes instantly and by instinct to the feeding of the flock. She wants to walk in the footsteps of the the one her soul loves. Let her show her love to her Lord by feeding his sheep, by caring for his lambs. Then she need not fear she will miss his presence. When she shares with other under-shepherds in caring for his flock, she will find the chief Shepherd at her side and enjoy his approval. It will be service with Jesus as well as for Jesus.

She is a vessel, a jar of clay, not responsible for outcomes.
She receives love and then gives it, following the leadership of her Beloved.
This is the real world, this is ministry, and it's not a formula.

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Plastic Tools

In the garage one day, following behind their father as he completed his honey-do list, my boys discovered the manly joy of tools. They assessed their own heights with the measuring tape until Kyle pulled out a screwdriver for his task. Then, fascinated, they each dug around in the toolbox for their own screwdriver and marched intently around the house looking for screws to tighten, just like Dad.

They could have had plastic Little Tike tools, for all the actual tightening they did. Kyle, though, complimented their handiwork and pointed out more switch plate screws in the kitchen, following behind them to make sure the work actually got done (or didn't come undone).

Kyle gave them a gift that day by outfitting them with tools and relaying the joy of using them properly. In all areas of life, a good father does this very thing.

Our good Father gives gifts like this, too. He bestows on us our personalities, our talents, our abilities, and our spiritual gifts, each of us with a unique blend of tools in our toolbox. He also gives us opportunities to use our tools and unspeakable joy as we do. Certainly, like any good father, He delights in watching us create with what He's given us.

However, we must use what He has given us properly. We must always remember that the tools (and the work) are actually His. If we go off on our own, thinking the tools are ours do with as we please, or that we are somehow capable of creating a masterpiece with our simple plastic tools, we are foolish and quite capable of destroying the beautiful workmanship unfolding beneath the Father's hands.

We can't forget that we work with His tools, in His name, and for Him alone.

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How to Know You've Arrived

Over coffee, I asked my friend Tahni how she would know when she had "made it". In my mind, she has already made it. She is a wildly talented wedding photographer, soon to be featured in the wedding magazine to end all wedding magazines, The Knot.

I asked because I am intrigued by art, by creativity, and by the process in which it is made or displayed. How does an artist know she has arrived when her work is measured in a perspective, a dab of color, a flash of light, a style, or a photograph? I imagine that as soon as she sees her work published, the finish line of "having arrived" will move a little further away. Where is the end? What is success?

My finish line has moved a little too over the past few weeks. In January of next year, I will see my first book published, a book meant to help and encourage church planting wives. I am beyond thrilled, but, here, in this new territory, I have also had moments of heart-racing panic. There are new fears to face (people will actually be reading this) and new worries to cast off (people might not actually read it), but, mostly, I am questioning success. What is success? Is there really ever a point where I will feel that I have arrived?

I could worry endlessly about every dash and dot in my manuscript or whether I have anything worth saying, but would an errorless manuscript or a book full of wise, quotable sayings make me a success?

What about as a mother or a wife? These things matter more to me than anything I have written or will write. How do I measure success in those roles?

It's all very confusing when the finish line keeps moving, when the world elevates celebrity and celebrates the grandiose, and most of us are simply living quiet lives in our little corners of the world. 

I am asking God about these things because I want to know His definition of success. What constitutes "arriving" in His eyes?

I don't think it has much to do with circumstances, whether our reach is large or small. I don't think it has much to do with reaching a certain point or achieving a goal. I don't think it has much to do with what we do or don't have, although we very much focus on these things.

As I have asked about these things, He has answered me by implanting a sweet whisper of a prayer in my heart:

Lord, make me brave. 
Help me know that success is trusting you,
that faith is the everyday finish line.
Each step forward of faith is one more toward You
and hearing You whisper,
"You have finally arrived."

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Essentials for Leaders

As leaders or influencers, as almost all of us are in some way, we face a daily barrage of tasks, requests, needs, responsibilities, burdens, planning, and concerns. The intersection of the day's needs with our physical, emotional, and spiritual limits often makes for complex challenges. Without healthy parameters and purposeful living, too many frazzled days strung together leads to our becoming leaders and influencers who can no longer lead or influence.

I think often about these things, searching for answers and striving for a healthy perspective in my own life. I've discovered that our culture and even our greater church culture works against the balance, rest, solitude, emotional health, and perspective that we all so desperately want and need. Here's how and how we must fight for proper perspective:

1. Tyranny of the Urgent vs. Prioritizing
The phone rings so we answer it. The light flashes, letting us know we received a new email, so we check it. A friend sent us a funny video so we watch it. The PTO needs a volunteer so we raise our hand. The DVR is full so we rush through shows we don't want to miss. We get lost in Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, and Google Reader. The stack of books beside our bed is growing and we have started the first chapter of all of them. A friend is coming over to borrow something so feel the need to clean the parts of the house that they'll walk through. We have Bible study in a few hours so we rush through the study that we couldn't get to all week. Someone wants to meet for coffee so we cut time corners to make it happen.


Sound familiar? Because it does to me. And it is such a dissatisfying life to lead, when we're rushing around at full speed, accomplishing little and hardly relating to people. It's mindlessness.


To be a good leader, we must become women of few passions. We must become purposeful in everything, even the least little things. It takes a whole heck of a lot of discipline and work to actually figure out what (few) priorities we will keep and say no to all other things. (We must also be careful to name our priorities based on people and relationships and not simply tasks, otherwise we're missing the point entirely.) 


To help myself, I have prayed about my priorities, written them down, spoken them out loud to my husband and asked for his feedback, and read them weekly. I try to pray about my schedule and tasks for the day each morning and before I commit to anything. 


As I have really narrowed down my priorities, I have experienced feelings of guilt. I'm not doing enough. I am disappointing that person. No one will do it if I don't do it. I feel almost prideful and selfish that I guard my emotional and spiritual health. I tend to assume that serving God and others means that I'm giving every ounce of what I've got to other people or that a good leader does it all. 


That is false guilt. A good leader has few passions and pursues her few priorities with excellence. That kind of leader is in it for the long haul.


2. Activity vs. Solitude
Our church culture is like a cafeteria. We add more choices for people to pick and choose from rather than simplifying and streamlining. We want programs rather than doing the hard work of relationships and community. So the schedule fills up, people are rushing around, spinning plates, and what's it all for? Just to say that we do stuff?

Individually, I do the same thing. I still feel like the college student who felt like a loser if I stayed at home on a Friday night and got much needed rest instead of hanging out with a crowd. But there is a greater heart issue: I tend to believe that my activity is what makes me OK with God. I need activity to feel OK about myself, but I can never do enough activities to set my heart at complete rest.

But what I find is that when I make time for silence, solitude, rest, listening, being with people who give me life, and relating to others on a heart-level, I am filled up. I hear from God. I feel empowered for ministry. I see and love people more. I think solitude is one of the most essential pursuits for leaders and influencers.


(There are others, but I've already written about them: Pleasing Others vs. Pleasing God and, similarly, Listening to Expectations)


What do you think? As a leader, how do you maintain your priorities in the midst of the daily barrage of needs? How do you even determine your priorities?

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Practicals on Pursuing a Passion {and a Giveaway!}

That soul-stirring that won't let up on you? Hopefully, I have convinced you to look fear in the face and go for it!  

Or maybe you're still in the mulling-over-in-prayer stage. Wherever you are, I want to share some practical suggestions today regarding how to pursue a passion. These are the things that I have learned (and am still learning) in my own writing pursuits and they all assume that you both know your passion and are ready to pursue it.

I'm a busy woman. How can I make time to pursue a passion?

We always make time for those things that we consider to be a priority. So the first thing you'll need to determine is that this is actually a priority to you. When it's a priority, you can do it without feeling guilty or letting other "good-but-not-best" things encroach on that time. 

For me, writing is a priority. I write on mornings when my youngest is in preschool (my other two are in school) and sometimes during naptimes. Those hours are blocked off; I rarely say yes to any other commitments during that time. Why? It's not like I'm some famous author with tons of writing assignments and books in the works. So isn't it a waste of time? To me, it's not. I have certainly wrestled with this idea, but I feel certain that this is something that I do that honors God. 

Before my kids were in school, my husband and I decided together that I could go to a coffee shop for a few hours on his day off. Again, I had to get over the guilt. Shouldn't I be doing something "productive" or spending time at home with my family as much as I possibly could? But I realized that when I spent time doing something that was life-giving to me, I came home eager to jump back into parenting and family time.

I don't know when those moments or hours of quiet happen for you, but seize them! Get your husband on board and determine together how you can pursue this thing that you love.

How do I maintain my more important priorities?

When we get to do something that we love, when we finally open the door of possibility, it can quickly take over if we aren't careful. So we must be vigilant about keeping our priorities in check. 

There are things that come before writing for me and there are things for you that come before your passion. 

Pursuing Christ and enjoying your relationship with Him.

Time and connection with your husband, if you are married.

Training and loving your children, if you have them.

Ministering to and within the Body of Christ.

Loving your literal and figurative neighbors.

Work, if you do.

As a pastor's wife, I do not want the tangible ministry right in front of me to be neglected because I am pursuing something that is done in isolation (although I now think of my writing as a ministry as well).

However, perhaps your passion can be incorporated into those greater priorities. Mine certainly can. 

Finally, I suggest that you hold your passion loosely. Just recently, as I evaluated my calendar and commitments, I asked myself, "Are you willing to give this up if God asks you to?" The answer should always be yes and, if it's not, perhaps my priorities are out of line. I am determined to pursue my passions boldly and without apology as long as I am submitted to the leadership of the Lord.

How do I get started?

What is the first step? Don't think big or try to create a master plan. Just take one small step forward.

Pray about it.

Say it out loud.

Talk to your husband about it.

Find the time.

Sign up for a class.

Read a book.

Talk to someone who has a similar passion.

Study and learn.

Write something.

That's what I did, all of those things. With each step, I realized how much I didn't know and how much  more there was to learn. Sometimes I wanted to give up. Sometimes I didn't feel like I had the time, but I still did it. Sometimes fear kept me up at night. Sometimes I felt foolish. Sometimes I felt like I was wasting my time. 

But always I loved it. 

------

What do you love? What are you becoming? I want to hear!

Maybe, like me, you love writing. If so, I have a gift for two lucky ducks out there. Michael Hyatt, former CEO of Thomas Nelson, has two incredible e-books--one for nonfiction and one for fiction--about writing book proposals. I used his e-book about writing a nonfiction book proposal to put together my own, which helped me acquire an agent. 

I'm giving away one of each: 

• Writing a Winning Fiction Book Proposal: An Insider's Secrets to Landing an Agent and a Book Contract  
• Writing a Winning Non-Fiction Book Proposal: An Insider's Secrets to Landing an Agent and a Book Contract. 

Here's how you can win:

• "Like" my blog on Facebook. After you "like" it, post on the wall whether you want to win the Fiction or the Nonfiction book proposal.
• Follow me on Twitter. Then send a tweet telling me which book you want to win and include this link: http://bit.ly/nwCoJh
• Subscribe to my blog. Leave me a comment in the comment section telling me that you did so and which book you want to win.
• Tell a friend about my blog. Leave me a comment in the comment section telling me that you did so and which book you want to win.
• Leave a comment telling me what your passion is and how you are pursuing it.

You can enter all five of those ways, if you so choose. I will randomly draw a winner on September 9th. Best of luck!

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Misconceptions About Pursuing Your Passion

Aside from struggling to pinpoint our passions, fear is our absolute number one enemy. I will devote my next post to that great, paralyzing monster.

Today, however, let's dispel several misconceptions we often have regarding uncovering and pursuing our passions: 

• I have to wait for permission: No one has to give us the go-ahead to shop for groceries, do the laundry, get the oil changed, do homework, pack school lunches, go to work, or volunteer for Vacation Bible School. Why not? Because they are often "shoulds" or "have to's". They certainly don't have to be menial tasks or obligations. But they become so when we do them only because we have to, because they are tasks that good wives and moms and church members do. But to start a ministry that is on our heart? To attend a photography class? To write a novel? To invite a younger woman into a discipleship relationship? To paint a room with bright colors that we love? We need permission for those, the things that stir our hearts and that we feel compelled toward. These are the things that feel like worship to us, but we hide them under a bushel, waiting for someone to give us permission to let our lights shine.
• I don't have time. You really may not have the time, especially if you are in the can't-even-remember-your-name newborn stage. If that is you, you are blessed. God has given you abundant opportunities to give your life for the sake of another. In this stage, however, you can still cultivate your passions. This is the perfect time to ask God to clarify and crystallize what they are. It's also the perfect time to build a foundation from which to pursue your passions. Without a relationship with the Lord, you will grow bitter that your children keep you from pursuing your passions, your priorities will be misplaced, and your passions will become self-focused rather than others-focused. But even moms of older children feel that they don't have time, but I disagree. If you are serious about developing your passions, you must take what time you can grab: when you're children are napping, the time you usually spend in front of the TV or Facebook, the opportunity your husband offers you to get away from the house, early morning hours. If you look, you'll find it.
• Pursuing a passion is selfish. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. As believers, God has given us gifts, talents, abilities, and that soul stirring so that we can create and worship and reflect grace and beauty to the glory of God. We should pursue our passions as a way to bless the Lord and to bless other people. When we enjoy how God made us and the passions He's given us, we reflect our creative God. For more on this idea, I recommend reading Edith Schaeffer's The Hidden Art of Homemaking, which has more to do with using our creativity to reflect the Lord than it does rote home-keeping.
• I have to be really good at it, have it planned out, or know exactly where this is going before I will pursue it. OK, perfectionists, this one's for you. I am a recovering perfectionist so I feel qualified to speak to this one. If we believe this way, we'll never attempt anything that God is leading us to do. We'll live life in a little box of certainty and sure-things, never experiencing what it means to live by faith. What I've discovered is that the uncertainty and the not-knowing is a gift. It is an opportunity for faith and hope, yes, but it's also an opportunity to learn and grow. Just take a step and then take another and then another. See where it goes.

What would you add to the list? Next: that ugly, paralyzing fear thing.

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Uncovering Your Passions

A passion is like a stirring down deep that is trying to get to the surface. It is often something so much a part of us or our lives that we don't actually recognize it for what it is. It's just always been there, that little nudge or desire or interest. That thing we hope to get to someday.

So often, though, we don't let them out because we are good girls and we give our time, energy, and selves to the "shoulds" we believe for ourselves and we believe others have for us. We turn away from the holy must stirring in our hearts and let our souls shrivel up under the heavy burdens and lifeless life of our shoulds.

Now, I'm not talking about getting all self-focused or shoving aside the priorities God has given us as His disciples, as wives, and as moms. I'm talking about uncovering and taking full advantage of the beauty, grace, and abundant life there is to be had as give in to our God-given passions!

So what if you've got babies in your arms and toddlers wrapped around your legs and you haven't thought about your passions in years? What if you feel lost in a sea of possibilities about who you are and what you want to do in life? How do you know what you're passionate about?

I am passionate about writing, but I have just been able to actually label that for three years and say it out loud for one. However, writing has always been there, just under the surface, a little luxury never connected with the shoulds of real life. Now that I've allowed it to the surface, memories have flooded back: the story I made up and shared with my friends in 7th grade (they laughed), the writing assignment that I still remember from 10th grade (a fictionalized account of the Titanic), my mom and her best friend encouraging me to enter a writing contest (I didn't). I realized that I have been compelled to write for most of my life, but each attempt was like a puzzle piece. I never put them all together to see the big picture.

Until I did and there it was: my passion.

So what's yours?

What would you devote yourself to if you knew God had given you the go-ahead and you didn't have to worry about money, time, or failure?

What do you find yourself wishing you had more time for? (could sleep be a passion?)

What is God speaking into your heart? What has He gifted you for that He is calling you to use for His glory?

What gives you life? What fills you up with energy and joy?

What in you have other people encouraged?

What do you do that feels like worship?

I think there are a whole lot of misconceptions and fears women have about pursuing their passions and I'm going to talk about that next. But for today, I hope you will think about these questions and let God bring that stirring to the surface.

Whatever it is--midwifing, discipling, picture-taking, dancing, baking, nursing, advocating, creating, teaching, gardening, painting, designing, speaking, sewing, decorating, blogging, leading, mothering, running--do it and so honor the God who put that passion in you.

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What's Yours?

As if it needs to be said after this summer of posts, I'm pretty passionate about ministry. Although there are days when I want to run away to my imaginary house in the Texas Hill Country, where I would sit on the porch for hours doing absolutely nothing, I really do enjoy partnering with my husband in this calling. Because of that and because I love encouraging other women who are ministry-minded, I will continue to write in that direction.

But I do have other passions and I do spend my time on other things. In fact, I think it's necessary and healthy for ministry wives (or for that matter, all wives, moms, and anyone breathing) to have interests/passions that they pursue, that they make time to pursue. 

What are yours?

When I had babies in my arms and toddlers wrapped around my legs, that question used to stress me out. I know, I'd think, that my passions and interests (other than my precious angels, of course) are somewhere in there, tucked away behind the sleeplessness and the spit up. Kyle, ever so-helpful, would say to me, "What you need is some time away from the kids!" and he'd shoo me out the door. Having been shooed--no pushed--out the door for the sake of my sanity, I would sit in the car and debate how to use the free time. Sometimes I would actually cry to Kyle, like he was torturing me: But if I go away for a few hours, I don't know what I would do! 


Melodrama aside, that simple question (simple before I had kids) regarding my interests and passions brought up so much fear in my heart. Fear that I was uninteresting. Fear that I would forget the passions and gifts lying dormant. Fear that if I pursued them, I would fail or look stupid or be regarded as placing my own interests above my family's. Fear to actually name my passions and even greater fear to say them out loud to other people. Fear that I would be wasting my time.

But the thing about a passion is that it's often from God and it won't let up on you until you give in to it. So I took baby steps at first and felt guilty and fearful and silly which each one. I learned a whole stinkin' lot, including this: you don't have to wait until your children are older or your husband is home or you have a baby or you get married or you get to stop working your 9-5 job to pursue a passion. You're not a bad mom or a bad wife if you don't focus every last ounce of energy on them. Rather, you will be a more life-filled mom and wife because you pursue your passion. (Obviously, this isn't true if you're Elizabeth Gilbert in the midst of writing Eat, Pray, Love.)

So, go ahead, say it out loud. What's your passion? What do you want to pursue to the glory of God?

In the next few posts, I'm going to explore this topic more. Like: How do you know your passions? How do you make time to pursue them? How do you battle fear? and more. Join me! And share too! I love to hear from readers.

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Hare-Brained Ideas

I've had some hare-brained ideas in my life.

Like the time my sister and I decided we'd sell custom cards. We even decided on a name: LYLAS cards for the ever popular yearbook signature Love You Like a Sister. But that idea fizzled out before we made a single card.

There was the time in high school when I decided to try out for drum major. I wanted to be drum major but I didn't want to put much effort into making drum major. So I half-heartedly tried out and, surprisingly, didn't make it.

Or the time I saw an ad in my college paper about walk-ons for the softball team and actually took a millisecond to consider trying out.

Or the dozens and dozens of times Kyle and I have talked about trying out for the Amazing Race, looked at the online application, and let the deadline pass us by.

There has been a hare-brained idea, however, that I have had since I was a child and it has never fizzled or lessened or gone away. I have certainly told it to go away many times because of fear and uncertainty. I've told myself that those hare-brained ideas are for other people. Bold people. Brilliant people. Creative people.

A few years ago, instead of telling the idea to go away, I indulged it. I've always talked myself down, trying to keep myself safe in my secure little box. But I realized how it's been with me for so many years, almost gnawing at me. That's when it hit me square between the eyes: maybe it isn't an idea so much as it is a calling.

So I'm pursuing it, this call to write. I can't see where this leads, if anywhere. Maybe it's just for me and for how God is changing me through this process. But I sure am glad to be released from my confining, non-dreaming box. It's fun giving in to a hare-brained idea.

What about you? What's gnawing at you? Do you talk yourself down or have you considered that God might be calling you to do something about it?

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Jar of Hearts

I like to think. I need time to think or I go a little batty.

Good ideas or interesting thoughts flood my mind in the shower, or when I'm driving my kids to school, or when I'm blowdrying my hair. My best ideas, however, come at night as I'm trying to fall asleep. On good idea nights, I keep myself awake for hours trying to remember them or chasing little what-if rabbit trails. My best ideas come then, I think, because I am free from reality and unmoved by fear.

Then, in the morning, I chain myself to reality once again. I talk myself out of my great idea or my bold move. I list all the reasons why not and dash my own surely-they-are-silly dreams to shreds.

Then I go do the laundry. Always the laundry.

But last night, in the final moments of awake, I thought about God holding a Mason jar with my name on it. The jar is full of little puffy, polyester hearts, each heart representing things I hope for or wish to be.

Some of them remain from when I was little, scrunched at the bottom of the jar: thoughts of being an astronaut or Miss America.

Some of the hearts are big and bursting. They are the realized dreams: a husband, children, a full ministry, great life experiences. Better than I imagined.

Some I did not put in there myself, but He lovingly chose for me: the surprising gift of a child with special needs, a knowledge of loss, a life-altering change in ministry. He enlarged the scope of my dreams.

There are the unrealized hopes. The little hearts waiting in the jar, those I take out, handle, and rearrange at the top of the jar so He won't forget. What does He think about those, I wonder? 

Oh, I see, He whispers.

He points to one and says, Not yet, child. But I see him watching it carefully like fruit needing to ripen.

He reaches into the jar and takes out a heart, turning it over in His hand. It's a silly little heart that I gave Him long ago, around the same time I let Him have the jar. I'm surprised He remembered it and how much it meant to me. I thought it was destined for the bottom of the jar with the astronaut heart. Silly. Childish.

He places it in my hand. A God who sees. A Father who delights in giving good gifts to His children.

Remember? Now's the time. Don't be afraid. Go. Create. Pursue. 


It's going to be alot better than you imagined.


"He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

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Purpose

I am easily distracted.

When I'm out with my husband, I'm distracted by the conversation behind me.

When I'm reading a book to my kids, I'm distracted by the mental to-do list pounding in my head.

When I have a quiet moment to myself, I'm distracted by the computer or mindless t.v.

Sometimes, I'm distracted on a deeper level. I know what God has given me to do, but it lacks glamour or has become routine, so I'm distracted by my cravings and discontentment.

Other times, I'm distracted by what others are doing so I try to imitate them, imprisoning myself and giving away my joy.

I don't like being distracted, but it's difficult to maintain a purposeful life. It takes the ability to say no. It means developing a passion for just a few things, rather than trying to do and be it all. It requires a peaceful heart undaunted by the pursuits and passions of others. It comes when we know who we were intended to be and we rest in, even celebrate, that.

There is freedom and purpose in becoming a woman of few and fixed passions.

As a follower of Jesus Christ, I am learning to surrender my own dreams and passions and take on His for my life. In doing so, I choose to take on His priorities for me to be:

An abiding disciple

A loving wife

A purposeful mother

A wise keeper of my home

A servant outside my home in my church, my work, and my community

I've been thinking about purpose alot lately in an attempt to not only declutter my life, but also to more specifically target what God has for me to be about. I've even evaluated the blog, asking God to show me His purpose for me in writing. You may have noticed that I added an About the Blog sidebar (which is basically a repost of this post...ha!). I will continue to post occasional updates about our family, but I feel that my purpose for this blog is to invite you to join me in focusing on the above priorities. It's not to say hey, I've got it all together but friend, let's do this together! 

I'm going to start a series tomorrow on stages in parenting. I'm excited to host a guest blogger at the beginning of next week about parenting during the teenage years. If you have questions you're dying to ask, please email me.

Thanks for visiting the blog. I look forward to growing together.

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Glamour

It happens every time.

As soon as I step foot into Target, I immediately forget the mental list of things I intended to buy. Something about the place--the bright lights, the red circles, the neatly stacked shelves, the cute housewares, the clearance shelves--dulls my ability to discern what is a need and what is want. "Shopping at Target Without Children)" could easily top my list of hobbies/interests in that little box on my Facebook profile. For this reason, I'm glad I live thirty minutes from the nearest Target. Those minutes of driving give me time to prepare myself for the sensory onslaught and to chant my mental list of necessary purchases.

Sometimes I lose focus in life, too, and forget what it is I'm supposed to be about. Routine or spiritual apathy often dull my vision. But, lately, I've found another culprit: glamour. Let's face it--so much of what we do as wives and moms is completely unglamorous. Change a diaper. Fold clothes. Plan the week's meals. Run errands. Buy a shower gift. Sit in Bible study. Load and unload backpacks. Water the plants. Meet another mom for a playdate. Go to work. Then, at the end of the day, we plop down in front of Oprah and hear all this talk about women having and pursuing a dream and "living our best lives". It starts to feel like women who start their own companies or leave their husbands so they can "find" themselves in Bali are truly living glamorous lives. And we aren't.

I have been swayed by this idea that dreaming big things for my life means doing glamorous things. But what do I define as glamorous? When it all boils down, glamorous usually means what other people consider interesting or inspirational or doing something humongus for God. Pursuing glamourous dreams makes life about me, causing my heart to turn inward and resentful of what God has actually given me to do or what He hasn't given me to do. When I am not faithful in the small things, why do I expect God to give me big things?

At this point in my life, I find myself looking for the next thing God has for me to do. But He is calling me to stay focused, not seeking after my own, but being faithful to do what He's already given--no matter how unglamorous.

"Aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work wth your own hands...that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing."--1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

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